A how-to on supporting a victim of relationship abuse

An unfortunate truth is that, statistically speaking, anyone reading this likely knows somebody who is currently or was previously involved in an abusive relationship. We are often unaware of what is going on around us, and this is rarely due to ignorance. However, this is a side effect of the nature of many unhealthy relationships. It is common for victims to not want to reach out for help, especially while in the thick of the situation. Reasons for this vary, and are unique to each person’s experience. Instead, many victims choose to tell their friends and family when all is said and done.

This is where it comes time to coherently become a support system and an ally.

Truthfully, it begins by changing the language we use to discuss domestic violence and relationship abuse. For a person with no experience in an abusive relationship, it would be easy to question “well, why didn’t she just leave?” Again, reasons vary. Too often, the answer is simply that the victim felt they were in greater danger upon leaving. Simple statements such as this one are enough to make a victim uncomfortable in sharing their story with someone. The language we use must be gentle, caring, and supportive at all times. Within your home, circle of friends, or work space, create an environment where you are neither judging nor demeaning victims. Making assumptions or broad generalizations can easily have an impact on a person who wanted to reach out for help. Even if you don’t think you are speaking to a victim, be careful with your words. (This applies to most things in life, actually.)

Now, what if someone decides to tell you about their experience? This is a scary moment for both of you. Telling someone that you are or were a victim is revealing a giant secret and fully trusting them to hold on to it carefully. Hearing that someone you love was abused can make you feel helpless, upset, and so on. It’s a both heavy moment and a deeply personal one.

From there, every situation is different. I cannot speak for every victim, I can only offer advice from my viewpoint. One of the most important things you can do for a victim right from the start is to believe them.

In your body language and your words, don’t give any signs that you think they are lying. Chances are, they aren’t. You might be shocked and surprised, but try to stay an active listener. Remember, this is not easy for them. It can be a moment of vivid recall and can often trigger very strong emotions. Don’t feel bad if you are inclined to cry, especially if this person is someone you love. Don’t ask “are you serious?” or “is this a joke?” Again, chances are, it’s not. Along those lines, definitely do not ask “well, why didn’t you tell me?” They are, right now. At the time that is right for them. Don’t judge, just listen. Offer assurance, support, figure out what they need and help provide it for them. Sometimes, they may just need a shoulder to cry on. Be that.

Realize that you will can’t truly comprehend what it is like to be in their shoes. You may not have heard the entire story, but even with all of the details, you still cannot feel the things they are feeling. Because of this, you may sometimes not understand why they suddenly become upset, or why a certain joke hurts them. Steer clear of speaking judgmentally, Throw away phrases like “oh, it’s just a joke,” “lighten up,” or my personal (least) favorite – “just get over it already.” I understand that not everyone can see things from the lens of a victim, and it’s foolish to expect everyone to speak perfectly all of the time. However, making an effort is certainly appreciated.

It may be hard to wrap your head around the fact that someone you know and love was experiencing this, and you had no idea. However, once someone tells you, you have a duty to be the best friend, mother, coworker, etc. that you can possibly be. Typically, victims won’t be chomping at the bit to talk about their situation. Reassure them that they should be free to talk to you whenever they need to. Then follow through. Be willing to give them your attention and support when they are having a tough day, are feeling triggered, or want to tell you more. Exercise the same caution as you did when they told you initially. Listen, believe, care, don’t judge. This support is invaluable.

It is my sincere hope that you don’t have to hear these confessions from a sister, daughter, friend, or other loved one. But there needs to be a sense of realism surrounding this topic. It is happening. When you are told about it after-the-fact, it might be difficult and certainly very upsetting. However, the most important thing to keep in mind is the feelings of the person telling you. If you think you are upset, try putting yourself in their shoes.

Be gentle, be loving, and be a good friend.

Wouldn’t you want that for yourself?