Let’s Talk About Sex

Let’s talk about sex, shall we? Wait…is that uncomfortable? Oh, I’m sorry but I don’t mind sharing. That’s how we should all be with our partners, it shouldn’t be uncomfortable but more of an open conversation about all of our wants / desires / fantasies — YOU NAME IT! I bring this up because I recently was reflecting on how my significant and I became so incredibly comfortable about what we liked and didn’t like because we were discussing what we should do with our new 3rd bedroom. Although we joked about turning it into a replica of Christian Grey’s “play room”, it won’t actually be happening (so friends don’t be scared). But before him, I could never tell my partner how I liked it, what I wanted, try new things or even show him my “drawer”. It was embarrassing. It shouldn’t have been but it was and that’s what I want to talk about.

I still remember when he asked me, “What’s in the drawer?” I literally was on top of him and stopped. Dead. In. My. Tracks. Was he really curious? Was he going to “freak out”? Was he going to like it? I figured after debating all the possible outcomes I didn’t care because I wanted to be open and transparent with him. I looked at him, “Don’t be scared…” and opened the drawer. He wasn’t scared but he definitely was  timid. He had never been with a female who was as adventurous as I was about to show him. I pulled everything out, one by one, to show him what it did and how to use it. I told him that most of it had never been used but I was waiting for the perfect person to share the experiences with. I had fantasized about all sorts of scenarios, bought a ton of stuff and outfits, but never once found someone I was comfortable sharing my “drawer” with.

As we began to experiment with several new things, he began to get into it more and more. I realized it was our first time for a lot of things and we enjoyed it. We wanted to keep things fresh and try new stuff all the time. It became a breath of fresh air, whether it be new positions, crazy spots, sexy outfits or even just a little sneak peak of what was to come later. We were a healthy, natural, transparent relationship.

I share this with you to make sure you are doing the same. All those ideas, fantasies, crazy places you want to have sex should be discussed with your partner because that is healthy. We are shunned for wanting a 50 Shades of Grey sex life because it promotes dehumanizing / abuse but it doesn’t. Some people really just receive a high from that style of “rough” sex but who are we to judge. Just because you like to be handcuffed doesn’t mean he abuses you in real life, it means you like being restrained! It is an endorphin release of pleasure from pain. It’s just like running, no one actually ENJOYS running but it is about pleasure from pain.  In all honesty, when reviewing studies on those who can communicate about their sexual desires (whether the basic to the extremes),  they are found to be mentally healthy better sexual communicators in healthy relationships. I see a win for us all!

Some Ground Rules when Talking Sex

You want this to be SAFE: No injuring and we should educate ourselves.
You want this to be SANE: Stay in control, practice, talk and communicate before, during and after!
You want this to be CONSENSUAL: Talk. Discuss. Limits. Boundaries. Make sure you both are on the same page.

Need a “Yes No Maybe” Chart? Find one here: http://thatotherpaper.com/files/Yes_No_Maybe.pdf

 

Remember it’s not always the female who wants to be a submissive, like the unfortunate realty of media has painted for all of America; instead, let it be about trying new things. There is no shame or judgement when you are transparent. 

Disclaimer: This post was written by a Feministing Community user and does not necessarily reflect the views of any Feministing columnist, editor, or executive director.

I'm a strong willed, brilliant, and one of a kind lady ready to take on the world. I'm always looking for new challenges. Mother of two beautiful daughters, who have the same strong wills and wit. I'm unfortunately realistic and blunt. Coffee addict. Run junkie. Lover of 80's.

One of a Kind. Outspoken. Twenty-something year-old looking to leave her mark on the world.

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