How to talk about feminists… as an informed individual

TW: abusive language

You know what feminists are; angry women who want to push men into servitude. Everyone is already equal enough but feminists want to be more equal. This has not gone unnoticed by you. As a self-appointed commentator, people need to know your opinions about feminists. The following is a collection of tips designed to help you get started.

Assert that you treat everyone equally. You would know if you didn’t because you treat everyone equally.

If you encounter a feminist, make sure that everything they do is for the cause. If a feminist does anything, simply because they want to; they are not a true feminist. If a feminist cares about some issues more than others, they are not egalitarian. One must care about all social justice causes with equal intensity.

State that feminists do not want equality because the draft exists. Obligatory wartime conscription should be a top feminist priority. Insist that combat is no place for a woman.

Declare that equality means you should be able to hit women. Less violence toward women is not the right focus; equal violence toward everyone is. It’s not like you want to hit women, but it is very important that you should be able to.

Explain that gender gaps in power and wealth mean that success depends on physical strength and clarity of thought. Women are more emotional and indecisive than men. You need to speak gently to them. This is not sexist because some of your friends are women and you voted for a democrat.

If a feminist is focused on how sexism negatively affects women, they are sexist. Feminists want female superiority because the label has fem- in it! If a word contains a gendered root, it is sexist. Instead of using sexist words, use words like fireman, congressmen, or mankind.

Point out that feminists are uninterested in widespread issues that affect men, such as alimony. But you should blame feminism for these issues. If a feminist is talking about men’s issues, remind the person that they are a feminist and therefore do not care about men.

If a feminist says anything about men, interpret it as prejudice against all men. And make sure to use the words of one or two feminists to represent all of feminism. Elaborate heavily if a feminist misspeaks. If a feminist gets a fact wrong, this is surely an indictment of all of feminism. Any feminist who changes their views is lying not learning. Tell feminists that they all generalize too much.

Show pictures of feminists screaming. Or use pictures of partly nude feminist women. Pictures of bare-chested screaming feminists are best. Do not talk about what they are protesting. Focus on their tits.

Put pictures of feminist women beside coeds or models. Make sure your audience can clearly see the effects of feminism on a woman’s appearance. If a feminist woman does not wear makeup, she is mad at men and lazy. She should try harder. If she wears makeup or shows cleavage, she is not a real feminist because you know what they look like. Hopefully she doesn’t wear too much makeup because you like natural women.

Discuss how feminists do not understand flirtation. They keep calling it harassment. Demanding a stranger’s attention is a compliment. If anyone should despise such flattery, insults are justified. Fugly, stuck up, and butterface (but-her-face) might not be original, but they work every time. To get your point across in person try barking, oinking, or mooing. Nobody should have to take no for an answer.

Feminists have been misusing the words privilege and patriarchy because they do not use dictionaries. Mention that feminists coin words/phrases like rape culture and mansplaining to justify their existence. Offer genuine explanations for supposed rapes. For examples; the accused didn’t know it was rape or the “victim” didn’t have good defensive skills (or a gun).

State that you are tired of hearing about rape because feminists want to be rape victims. Feminists want women to make false rape accusations against men. Why else would they ask you to believe survivors? Authorities take sexual assault reports too seriously and always side with women. These women were drunk sluts who felt guilty and as an online detective, you know it. Mock men and boys who were “sexually assaulted” by women. These pansies wanted it. Or they are fags.

Feminists are sluts who want too much sex. Also talk about how feminists hate sex. They are trying to kill boners. Feminists are trifling with your masturbation and interfering with the world’s oldest profession. Feminists don’t enjoy pornography or sex. If they do, remind them that they are sluts.

If you are a woman, say you are not a feminist because you love men. You are sick of men being shamed for what men do to women. We need to do a better job at praising men’s contributions and accomplishments. Additionally, feminists want to outlaw motherhood. There are no feminist moms.

If you are a gay man state that vaginas are disgusting while implying that you have never seen one. Georgia O’Keeffe was full of shit. This has nothing to do with feminism, but who cares? You don’t need feminism because it’s about loving vaginas. Refer to your women friends as hags, whores, idiots, or ditsy. This is not misogyny, because you are gay. You love your bitches.

Never mention the variety of feminist perspectives and only attack highly visible feminists. Do not mention feminist scholars or feminist agenda pieces, unless the writing or speech is generations old. Do not discuss victories of feminism: everyone knows there aren’t any. Women can already vote and have abortions. Look how generous we are.

Under no circumstances should you acknowledge issues that interest modern feminists. If you catch yourself wondering if feminist thinking has evolved: stop. You might be tempted to ask: what is third wave feminism? Well, it sounds like bullshit, right? That’s all there is to it.

When describing feminists, use the following words: bitch, Nazi, crazy, elitist, poison, cunt, brainwashed, hypocrite, rotten, dogmatic, aggressive, whiny, judgmental, fascist, stupid, garbage, cult, psycho, fat, extremist, bully, whore, dictator, ugly, waste, and man-hater.

…as a writer

If you create feminist characters: they may include butch lesbians, emasculated men, dirty hippies, or big/ugly women. Make sure to give the character a displeasing behavior to enhance their feminism. Slovenliness is good. Rants are better. Your feminist should pontificate about issues that affect none of the main characters. The feminist should deflate the good intentions of the protagonist.

The feminist woman character should not shave body hair. Her hairstyle should be a crew cut or a rat’s nest. This feminist should learn her lesson and realize that she wants a man to take charge. If there is time, teach her about looking nice. Your feminist man needs to be particularly pathetic. He should be unable to play sports or talk to women. He must always ask for permission before doing anything. Consent is hilarious. He must be unable to stick up for himself when mistreated by women. A feminist man is always crippled by his respect for women.

This character should not have depth or sophistication. There should be no sexism in the world you create. This will show everyone how silly and useless feminism is. Do not have your feminist character advocate for anything serious. They should care about a species called the manatee or the color of stationary.

…as a real feminist

If you are a man, make certain everyone knows that you love women and female parts. Show that you are a good feminist by sporting pink t-shirts and pins aimed saving breasts. All women’s bodies are beautiful and you would gladly fuck them. Even women in their forties. Proudly flaunt your benevolent desire to fornicate with women of all sizes, ages, and colors.

As a feminist man who gets it, everyone should know that you get it. Begin every conversation by identifying yourself as a man who identifies as a feminist. Tell people that you love The Feminine Mystique and Gloria Steinem. Read Jane Austen in large coffee shops. You should be there right now, being equal. Plaster your social media with quotes about women, happiness, or men. Because you care.

As a feminist, anyone not convinced by your arguments should be described as a sex-starved, neck-bearded, fedora-toting, man-boy. Stereotypes mocking a person’s masculinity are a helpful move toward gender equality. Crusade against institutionalized sexism by attempting to boycott words. The prejudice that words express will disappear when nobody invents new words or meanings. Historically speaking, prohibition works.

Herald celebrities as innovators for demonstrating basic understandings of feminism. But true feminists should denounce celebrity feminists’ imperfect feminism. A good feminist would be more intersectional in every sound bite. If you are a true feminist, define feminism so that other feminists are not feminists. Pluralistic feminism does not include learning from other feminist perspectives. Because your feminism is the real feminism. There are too many feminists and we do not want any more.


Note from the author: This piece not only a commentary on other people’s discourse, but also a parody of myself. I am personally guilty of at least one thing in every paragraph of the last section and some of the content in the first section.

The style of this piece was based on “How to write about Africa” by Binyavanga Wainaina. As a nod to this author, I adapted some of his style directly into this piece. I wrote this post for my personal blog out of frustration.  I am slightly nervous about how it will be received because I haven’t had much contact within the feminist community (aside from my social media clicktivism) and it is a bit outside of my comfort zone.

Disclaimer: This post was written by a Feministing Community user and does not necessarily reflect the views of any Feministing columnist, editor, or executive director.

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