Blow to my Self-Esteem

New to blogging, and all I can really say is ’I’m sorry’. I have literally 27 years worth of things dying to explode. As a person that everyone comes to when they have an issue, need advice or just want to vent, I rarely get a chance to unload…ever. So all of these weird (and I do mean weird) thoughts that flood my brain on a daily basis and have me questioning my sanity have to go somewhere. Here is as good of a place as any. Hopefully I can put my ramblings to the universe (read-internet) and see if anyone will say either that they’ve been there or that I need to seek professional help.

S0. That being said, here is weird thought #1 looping through my brain (and please excuse any graphic content- I occasionally lack a filter):

Why am I so threatened by my husband watching porn? Why does it kill my self esteem and make me want to harm him while he is sleeping? I mean, masturbating is normal. I get it. Sometimes you just need to have an O and get on with your day. But he does it, I know it, and its kind of killing me. If I’m being truthful, I bet I can figure out the why. 

He asks me for nudey-pics when I am away from the house for days at a time running his parents business. After 9 years and 2 kids, I do it. Why not? It makes him happy. And then. Then I come home, look at his iPad while I’m taking care of business in the bathroom, and low and behold— Hes been looking at porn. Sometimes when I’m gone, sometimes when I’m home. This KILLS me. There are pictures on his phone of me (5’7”, 115lbs, fit, blond, etc) but he still feels the need to look elsewhere. WHY. I hate it. It kills my self-esteem and no matter how many selfies I post on Facebook, fishing for compliments to build my self esteem, I cannot erase the knowledge that this man that I love does not jerk off to me.

How do I fix this? Do I walk around the house, mopy and depressed and refuse to have sex with him as the only ”punishment” I can implement? Well no, because then he will just go find his favorite website and I’m no better off than I was. Or do I pretend that I believe him when he says ”I’ll just stop, if that’s what you want” and push these feelings of ’not good enough, not good enough, not good enough’ deep down so that when he leaves the toilet seat up 3 months from now I can lose my shit and tell him I’m taking the kids and moving out.

Sigh. Lose lose situations. Like, no joke. So helpless feeling and my slutty red lipstick ran out and my kids need summer clothes so I can’t justify buying a new tube to make myself feel better.

Rant over. Thanks for listening.
*B