Just Plain ‘Ridiculous': Heteronormative Patriarchy and the Fight for Marriage Equality

Yesterday, August 7, 2013, two same sex couples filed for a marriage licenses in Shelby County, Tennessee, my county. It almost goes without saying that they were denied. Tennessee doesn’t exactly have the best reputation when it comes to civil rights. In fact, not only can I not marry my girlfriend of six years, we can not even qualify for a civil union or domestic partnership, we do not have the right to visit one another in the hospital in an emergency (unless our extremely un-accepting parents consent), and I, like all other LGBTQ people in my home state, can be legally fired solely because of my sexuality. My point is that nobody expected any other result for these two couples. Their efforts were organized in conjunction with the Tennessee Equality Project, and at least as I understood the story, the gesture was largely symbolic: meant more as a public call to action than an actual attempt to secure a marriage license.

That’s why, when the local newspaper posted this headline on their Facebook page, it wasn’t the result that devastated me. It was the only comment posted below the story. William, who, according to his profile picture, is a white haired man who wears out-of-date sunglasses and an expression implying that he just forgot something very important, publicly and unapologetically declared, “Ridiculous. Two men or two women can be friends, not spouses. I remember when these people said, ‘Just leave us alone.’”

Read it again. Let it sink in. “Ridiculous. Two men or two women can be friends, not spouses. I remember when these people said, ‘Just leave us alone.’”

Being from the South, I have developed a sort of immunity to the ignorant comments left by intolerant, homophobic, racist, misogynist a-holes with an iPhone and a tenth grade education. However, this one got to me. It got under my skin. At first, I dismissed him as just another run-of-the-mill bumpkin spewing offensive hate-speech he could barely understand. Then, as if summoned from my own thoughts, Vickie enlightened us all by sharing, “You can get married to a goat but does it make it right? Look to the Bible for the answers.”

Right then and there, with Vickie’s comment posted just “a few seconds ago,” it hit me. He is not one of them. He used periods and commas. He never mentioned marrying animals or the bible. He didn’t call us sinners or some other much more offensive slur. Instead, he not only matter-of-factly dismissed the love shared between same-sex partners, but then brazenly longed for a time when “these people,” the LGBTQ community, was so oppressed, so ubiquitously subjected to public displays of hatred and bigotry, so frequently the victims of both verbal and physical assaults that instead of demanding to be treated like the American citizens, the human beings, that we are, we simply asked to be left in peace. This man regrets that “these people,” these American citizens, are no longer in so overwhelmed by bigotry and hatred in which they beg simply for respite from fear and degradation, not the equality and justice to which they are entitled.

William disgusts me, not because he is a small-minded moron with no capacity for human empathy, but because he represents the pervasive influence of heteronormative patriarchy in American society. William doesn’t think same-sex unions are ridiculous because of a narrow interpretation of his religion’s dogma. No. William, and Williams all over this country and all over the world, simply cannot see beyond the rigid social constructions of masculinity and femininity. For the Williams of the world, people exist in binary pairs. Man and woman. Dominant and Submissive. Penetrator and Penetrated. The poles do not change; the roles do not reverse. This is how we do it because this is how it is. William’s privileged position, the birthright bestowed by his skin color and genitals, is under attack each time these binaries are challenged, and he will not stand for something so… “ridiculous”.

Not all men are Williams. In fact, I am fortunate enough to know a great many men, of all races and sexual identities, who understand how patriarchy corrodes our society’s dream of “liberty and justice for all” and live each day as allies to women and LGBTQ people. Unfortunately though, for every one of these men I meet, it seems there are 10 Williams out there, ready and willing to make the decision about what is ridiculous and remind us what happens when we stray just a bit too far outside the lines that the Williams have drawn for us.

In the battle against patriarchy, all we have are our voices and our votes. The Williams of the world are certainly making their voices hear, and I bet they all cast a vote on election day. Well, fuck you, William, because I do too.

Disclaimer: This post was written by a Feministing Community user and does not necessarily reflect the views of any Feministing columnist, editor, or executive director.

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