Dealing with a feminist awakening

At 25 years old I am just beginning to call myself a feminist. My journey started when I read this article put out by GOOD magazine last year about the new “subway grinding” law in New York. Before I read this article I had never questioned the times that men would cat call me on street, or stare at me for way too long on the train. I didnt even question the two times Ive seen men publicly masturbating while looking at me on the train, I would just freeze and switch train cars as soon as possible. I would just have feelings of disgust and fear of being assaulted. I had never questioned this fear.

Reading that article was like a slap in the face of my whole being. Why had I not thought about this before? Suddenly I was faced with the reality that my body was not mine in the eyes of (many) men.

I needed to know more…make more connections. This lead me to read Jessica Valenti and Jacklyn Friedman’s Yes means Yes, Caitlin Moran’s How to be a Woman and most recently Valenti’s The Purity Myth.

Reading these books has profoundly shifted my perception of my sexuality and sexual history. I have been able to (painfully) admit to myself that a few of my sexual experiences with men has been against my will…I didnt say no, but I didnt say YES either. I have been able to admit to myself that the porn which has turned me on for most of my adolescent years, had subconsciously lead to the way I allowed my vagina to be treated during intercourse. I am appalled that I could ever suspend my disbelief and be so blind to the suffering of women in a lot of mainstream pornography. 

For so long I was indifferent to my vagina. All that mattered was that it was clean and shaved for the guy I was going to potentially “give” it to. Everyday after my initial “awakening” I have cried for my vagina, for the collective vagina and the pain it too is going through in our modern day misogynist world.

Now that I have seen and experienced all these connections, I get incredibly upset at any sort of objectification of women and sexism. I’m noticing it everywhere, and its really taking a toll on my emotions. My question is, how can I deal with this  awakening, without it driving me crazy? It is absolutely draining and I feel like im falling into a deep despair and hopelessness with the way things are. Im trying to become more involved in my community for starters, I have a few ideas for some street art (being that I am an artist), but I know this won’t subdue my anger completely. I need some seasoned feminist advice on how to deal with these emotions. I don’t want to lash out on someone out of anger, because in reality, everyone has been programmed by the culture.