Dating seems to be on everyone’s minds lately. Perhaps it’s part of the new year, new me, new boo energy still lingering in the air. Even here at Feministing we’ve been talking about “Crazy Blind Dates” and the challenges to Darwin’s dating ideas. And much of what I hear about dating in hip hop revolves around Christian Louboutins. All of this is wonderful, for someone who isn’t me.
To put it simply, dating while feminist, black, queer, polyamorous, broke, and loud means not dating, kind of. I find that people who compliment any one of those traits too well completely fail in regards to the others. Thinking about feminism specifically, I’ve found that it’s cute and sexy to my partners when I’m abstractly theorizing about gender inequities. But the moment it becomes evident in my life and relationship practices, I’m a bit too extreme for them.
Much of our internalized sexism manifests itself in how we perform and navigate our intimate relationships. And even I can admit that it’s hard to let go of some of the ideas about dating and loving when those things secretly, and sometimes publicly, make us feel good and desired. For me, the struggle to either be honest or feel sexy is real.