The Nice Guy Defense

A SYTYCB Entry

Recent sexual harassment cases making the media circuit have had an alarming message attached to them: “I didn’t knew that what I was doing [is sexual harassment]”.

Something deep down inside me is left extremely uncomfortable by this thought. The complete ignorance of not understanding that unwanted attention is sexual harassment leaves me shaky and weak to my stomach.

It also makes me think about this concept men seem to have developed over the years; a way in which in they think its appropriate to interact with women. I call it “The Nice Guy Defense.”

And it goes like this…

“But I’m not being mean or gross. I’m complimenting her. If I’m persistent, patient enough…she will date/sleep with me. Because I am a nice guy.”

No.

If I am not interested, not attracted, do not like you, I will not be swayed by incessant attention. I am not talking about being flat out rude to someone who hits on you. Rather, like the work situation I dealt with, I told my coworker, politely, that I was not interested in dating him. He continued to contact me, complimenting my attractiveness, my beauty. It was unwanted. And it was uncomfortable.

And the scariest aspect for me, was that he didn’t realize it was wrong, that it was crossing a line. Sexual harassment does not need to be crude or vulgar. It is persistent and unwanted (sexual) attention.

There seems to be this idea that women will be appreciative of (physical) attention if you are nice, gentlemanly and sincere. I will not say that as a women – as like all people – we/I do not appreciate compliments. But the notion that the “good guy” will wear a girl down until she sees and appreciated his honesty is not real.

We do not live in RomComs.

Media, politicians and the what-haves-you seem to think that women’s issues exist within a grey spectrum. That is simply not true. There is a clear cut, especially for most women, on what is right and wrong. Sexual harassment is sexual harassment. It does not matter if someone is nice to you, didn’t know that what they are doing is wrong, or just thinks its part of the way things are.

For me, I hope that discussing and bringing to light these instances will make everyone aware and maybe someday, the whole, “But I’m just being a nice guy” defense, and those like it will be replaced with understanding and consideration.