Kick me, baby, one more time

A SYTYCB entry

As you know, unless you’re waking up from a coma or something, last week Todd Akin said blah blah blah “legitimate rape” blah blah magical no babies.

Good job, Todd!

And I had a HUGE motherfucking EPIPHANY.

Why do men think women are making up rape?

Why do they assume that if we’re reporting this horrific crime in large numbers and claiming to be hurt by it that it must be a lie?

BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT THEY’VE BEEN DOING FOR CENTURIES!

ATTENTION, LADIES: IT DOES NOT HURT TO GET KICKED IN THE BALLS!!!! MEN WANT YOU TO KICK THEM IN THE BALLS!!!!

As a woman, I have no fear of it and it isn’t my personal experience. So I’m pretty sure they’re just making it up for attention. 

Now, I’m not saying there aren’t men who “legitimately” get injured from a kick in the balls. I’m just saying the balls have a mechanism to go up inside the body, and if you really didn’t want to get hurt, your balls would take care of that for you. It totally ruins it for the people who are actually hurt that other, EVILER, people, keep crying ball-kick.

Let me give you some examples.

I was at this party, and this dude got shwasty-faced and passed out on the floor with his legs spread wayyyyyy apart! I kicked him in the balls with my sexy-ass foot, and then in the morning he was all like “blaaaah, my balls hurt, blah blah take me to the hospital blah.” That’s not what he was saying last night! If he had said “No. Don’t kick me in the balls.” I wouldn’t have. I’m not an asshole. But he didn’t say it, so don’t pretend you didn’t want it now.

Runners? With those shorts and their balls going thwak-thwak-thwak-thwak against their thighs? Don’t tell me that sound isn’t to get a piece of my foot between those thighs.

Don’t even get me started on kilts. The Scotts? Always asking for it.

This one really pisses me off. I met this dude who had a disgusting foot fetish and was always going around letting girls put their feet on his man bits. So, I go up, and give him a big swift kick in the junk, and he gets all mad about it! Don’t be so stuck up, honey. You ain’t that cute.

And I’m so tired of people saying it isn’t my business because I don’t have balls! Its MY tax dollars going to cover your alleged “burst testicle” medical bills, and I’m completely uncomfortable with that.

Now, I’m not advocating kicking someone in the balls against their will. When it really happens, and the guy really didn’t want it, and it actually hurts, its a terrible thing.

I’m not even advocating kicking Todd Akin in the balls. (…)

I’m just saying that if you don’t wanna get kicked in the balls, you should probably protect yourself from it better, and while 99% of men report having been kicked in the balls and experiencing pain, 98% of them are lying fucktards.

Thanks, Todd. For showing me the light.