You Will Grow Up To Be A Lion Tamer

You know that standardized test they give you in middle school that’s supposed to predict the job you’ll be best at? That test told me that I’d make a good lawyer. And I became a good lawyer. But I was also a stressed-out, unhappy lawyer. I eventually left the practice of law to write. (Was “humorist” even on that test? I doubt it.) Now that I’m no longer practicing law, I’ve got plenty of time to listen to NPR, which has made me aware of lots of other jobs that little test never contemplated. I’ve also become more suspicious about standardized tests. They make for a standardized world, and who wants that? So when your kid brings home test results advising her to become a CPA, throw them in the trash and hand her this list of actual jobs I heard about during a year of listening to NPR:

Dirigible historian
Professional arm wrestler
Lecturer in reggae studies
Tintinologist
Yacht insurance agent
Admiralty chart corrector
Space weather forecaster
Marine mammals stranding coordinator
Professor of Space medicine
User feedback expert
Editor of the High Times Encyclopedia of Recreational Drugs
Orbital debris scientist
Inactivity researcher
Cat photographer
Curator of ants at Harvard’s Department of Comparative Zoology

What if your kid doesn’t want to grow up to curate ants? That’s not the point. We’re talking about our children’s futures! They should be awesome, not standardized. Fun! Amazing! Not ordinary and predictable. Middle school is when their imaginations should soar, not shut down. Why should your daughter aim for nursing school when she could aim for space medicine? Let’s encourage our kids to think outside the box. Maybe your son will become a CPA anyway. But maybe he’ll end up with a job so cool that it makes listeners say “Wow” when they hear about it on NPR.

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Male viewer writes letter to the editor explaining why women can’t play soccer

This weekend, England’s women’s soccer team played Germany in an historic match at Wembly national stadium. As the Independent reports, “It was the first standalone game for women at the home of football, drew a record crowd of 46,000, was shown live in TV coverage on the BBC, and introduced a generation of young girls to the idea of the women’s team being treated the same as the men for the first time.” 

After the game, one male viewer, David Hickey, wrote a letter to the editor asking why it was aired when women’s soccer clearly doesn’t compare to the men’s game. “Women can’t play football,” he wrote. “They don’t even know the basic rules.” Here’s his full message:

 

As ...

This weekend, England’s women’s soccer team played Germany in an historic match at Wembly national stadium. As the Independent reports, “It was the first standalone game for women at the home of football, drew a ...

Quick Hit: We Regret To Announce That Your Request Of “Gotta Hear Both Sides” Has Been Denied

Sorry, not sorry

Thank you for your recent inquiry about hearing both sides. According to our records, this marks the fourth submission in as many days as to whether or not we have heard both sides. We regret to inform you that we have not.

On March the 2nd, you interrupted a conversation by asking “In fairness, have you heard both sides?”

On April the 13th, you spoke over a work acquaintance, reminding her that “We can’t actually form an opinion about this until we’ve heard both sides.”

While in an ideal world perhaps we would listen to all sides, the volume of requests we receive on a daily basis makes this impossible. We have decided to move ahead with our ...

Sorry, not sorry

Thank you for your recent inquiry about hearing both sides. According to our records, this marks the fourth submission in as many days as to whether or not we have heard both ...