Common Sense Tips on Preventing Sexual Assault

This post was originally posted on amplifyyourvoice.org here.

Written by Nicole Murray, Advocates for Youth Intern

April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. Now is the time we see also those cute tips aimed primarily at women, telling them to curtail their behavior, or they might get raped, with the implied message that if you don’t take these tips to heart, you will be assaulted, and it will be your fault.

These often involved tips like “Don’t dress this way or that, dress the way society thinks you should dress, forget about having your own sense of style.” Or “don’t drink! Ever!” (If I am of legal age, I can just as much drink as anyone else) or “Don’t walk home by yourself, even if you like walking! Even if you are too drunk to drive and know that walking is safer, and why were you drinking in the first place?!” or “Don’t have sex! Having sex once, yes once, means you consent to all sex from here on after, no matter what!”

So, detailed below are some tips I think are more appropriate then asking women to give up some of their independence, and are tailored to preventing sexual assault of both men and women. (Yes, women are statistically more likely to be assaulted, but it is a problem faced by men (hetero, gay, cis, trans) and women (hetero, gay, cis trans)), and perpetuated by men (hetero, gay, cis, trans) and women (hetero, gay, cis, trans), and should be addressed by all.

1.) Get consent. Before you touch someone, kiss someone, grope someone, have sex with someone, get their consent first. This means they are conscious, they are in control of their body (not intoxicated), and it is an enthusiastic consent (they aren’t just saying yes because they feel they have to). Get on-going consent. If you start out asking for consent to kiss, you got consent to kiss. You did not get consent to do anything more. So, if things are getting really heated, ask “Is it okay if I did this now?” Consent isn’t just at the beginning, it’s continual.

2.) Don’t try to get them drunk or intoxicated. This means you don’t put date rape drugs into their drinks, you don’t give them drinks that are extremely alcohol-y unless they want an extremely alcohol-y drink (and are of age!), or lie to them about what the drink is (ie – if it’s got rum in it, it IS rum and coke, not “just a coke.”)

3.) Don’t assume consent based on what they are wearing. Maybe they wanted to look good tonight for themselves, not to lead you on? No one puts on a hot outfit and says “I hope I get assaulted tonight!” They put on a hot outfit and say “I look good in this, and that makes me feel good.” Consent is a “yes.” Consent is not a short skirt.

Video from the “Not Ever” campaign in Scotland. (Trigger warning: their website has user interactive components, where there are a few triggering sentiments from victim-blamers)

3.) When you see someone walking by themselves down the street, leave them alone unless they ask you to come over. They are probably by themselves because they want to be by themselves, not because they are asking you to come over and assault. Same with someone you might encounter anywhere on your schools campus, be it a study room, a laundry room, ect.

4.) If you see your friend assaulting someone, tell them it’s wrong (because it is wrong). Explain to them that the person they are assaulting has the right to bodily autonomy, and that they have the right to say no, and the right to be left alone (because they do). Make your friend understand that other people do not exist to be assaulted, but as independent beings, and should be treated as such.

5.) Ditch the “I can’t help it” / “Men are programs to want sex & women are programed to be gatekeepers” paradigm. Men aren’t just a bundle of uncontrollable sex urges. Men are rational, thinking, independent beings who are capable of controlling urges, and it is harmful and demeaning to men to say otherwise. If you are a man, and feel pressured to assault or rape someone, talk to someone about it, don’t rape or assault someone. Women aren’t just objects to be viewed and used, nor are they the ones who should bear the responsibility of stopping sexual activity that is unwanted. Women are independent beings capable of saying yes or no to sex, and any other physical and intimate interaction. It is harmful and demeaning to say otherwise of women.

6.) Understand what asking for it means. If someone says to you “Would you like to engage in a mutually satisfying physical and intimate experience (be it kissing, making out, or having sex) with me?” and you reply “yes,” and they say “then let’s do it!” Then, they are in fact asking for a mutually satisfying consentual physical intimate experience, nothing more, nothing less.

Asking for it is not: 

dancing provocatively,flirting,

being flirty,

accepting a drink,

having a conversation,

wearing revealing clothing,

agreeing to go back to your dorm with you,

agreeing to go to your car with you,

having sex with you in the past,

having kissed you in the past,

having had sex with other people in the past,

having kissed other people in the past.

7.) Prior consent is not present consent. If someone has done something physical with you in the past, and consented to that experience, the consent from that experience does not continue on to this experience. If someone has consented to an intimate physical experience with someone else, that consent does not carry over to you. A persons past is not their present. A persons sexual or intimate history does not over-ride their ability to say no to you.

8.) Understand that no one owes you anything. S/he accepted your drink. S/he flirted with you. S/he agreed to go back to your dorm. S/he does not owe you sex. S/he might be really into you, s/he might even want to have sex with you, but not right now. That is his/her right. S/he has the right to say no, even if you are really really worked up. See #5, you are a rational human being, you have the ability to accept that no, and if you are really really worked up, you still retain the ability to control yourself. You might feel lead on, but that does not entitle you to take away the bodily autonomy of another human being. Nothing ever entitles you to take away the basic human dignity of another person.

9.) Don’t tell “rape jokes.” You never know if one of the people you are telling it to is a survivor of rape or assault, and you never know if one of the people you’re telling it to is a rapist. If a survivor is in the vicinity, they may laugh, but they might also think you don’t take rape and assault seriously, and that you find their situation to be comical. Violation of someone’s body is not funny. If a rapist is in the area, they will feel validated. Most rapists think everyone rapes. Most rapists will admit to committing rape, as long as the act of rape isn’t called rape. When you make a rape joke, you are giving them the idea that you are their ally. And you don’t want to be an ally to a rapist.

10.) Don’t victim blame! Victim blaming is harmful not only to the survivor of a sexual assault, but also to our whole culture. The blame for an assault should always rest solely with the assaulter. When a person is assaulted, it is not because of something they did. We do not blame other victims of violent crimes for their crime, why do we blame assault survivors? If a friend tells you s/he was assaulted, believe them. Take them seriously, and help them get the medical, legal, and emotional support they need. If you and friends are taking about something, and one of your friends say they heard so-and-so is going around and saying s/he was assaulted, do not say so-and-so deserved it. No one deserves assault. No one asks for assault. No one expects to be assaulted. By victim blaming, you are perpetuating a culture where victims of assault are unable to get justice. You are perpetuating a culture where assaulters get off, are never brought to justice, and can continue to assault.

Disclaimer: This post was written by a Feministing Community user and does not necessarily reflect the views of any Feministing columnist, editor, or executive director.

College student, activist, planning on going to graduate school for public policy and women's health. I want to make sure women have access to reproductive health care, to affordable options for labor and delivery, and that women who choose to have children are able to provide for those children. On the side I want to fight for affordable higher education, and quality public schools. I also want to fight for LGBTQA rights. I want to fight for an America and a world that transcends RCG stratification and end classism and rasism. In short, I want to break the world in half and remake it in a feminist, womanist, humanist image. I am a bisexual woman, a feminist, a student, an activist, and a human. Not always in that order.

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