My Childfree Rules

A member of a Child Free forum I go to made a list of “rules” about her life as a child free woman. I thought it was pretty good, considering I agreed with, and could relate to, about 98% of them. It’s kind of a handy reference sheet for people who don’t seem to really understand. I guess this could count as a follow up to my blog “10 Things Not to Say to Child Free People.” If you’re going to get offended, don’t read it.

1) I will not have children. Ever. In any capacity: This is what it means to be child free by choice. I do not want to, and will not, have children. Not biologically or adoptive.

2) I will not try to appease anyone by giving them the idea that children are any kind of possibility for me: I will NOT use phrases like, “I don’t want them right now,” “Maybe in the future” or “When I’m ready.” These are not true in the slightest. When I say I am not having children, I MEAN I am not having children. Not now, not ever. That’s that. I am not obligated to make anyone feel better about my decision to not have kids if it makes them uneasy. I am not obligated to fit myself into someone else’s comfort zone. If it makes you uncomfortable that I don’t want kids, too bad. It’s my decision.

3) If you want me to take you seriously, then take ME seriously: Don’t tell me that I’ll “Change my mind,” “regret it later,” “be lonely when I’m old” or any other baby bingo that comes into your mind. I will not change my mind. If I regret it later, that’s my responsibility. I will take care of myself when I’m old.

4) Do not ask me how I’m going to compensate for my “need to nurture”: This is kind of insulting. It assumes that because I am female, I’m somehow denying some maternal need that is “hardwired” into me. I don’t feel the need to compensate for anything. If I want to, I’ll get a cat. Or a snake, or a bird. This is in no way some form of compensation for not having a kid. Maybe I just want pets because I want pets. Maybe I don’t feel like no kids leaves an gaping hole in my life.

5) I am HAPPY being child free: I’m not going to pretend like this is any kind of tragedy to my life. This is a conscious decision I made for myself because it is what will make me happy. Children would make me miserable. Being a mother would make me miserable. I know myself. And I know that to be true about me. I do not feel a sense of loss at all for this.

6) Don’t ask me to babysit: I’m not good with kids. The end.

7) I will not child-proof my house for your kid: It is my house. Not yours. If you come to visit and bring your child, I will expect you to be a parent and watch your child. If you cannot keep track of your child and he/she breaks something, it is not my fault for not child-proofing a house that is not a home with children in it. It is your responsibility as a parent to make sure your child does not break other people’s things in other people’s houses. Aside from that, it’s not like I leave expensive Italian glass vases teetering on the edges of everything within a child’s reach, or have giant, sharp axes hanging from the cabinets. Just don’t expect me to accommodate MY house for YOUR kid.

8 ) Unless it’s really, sidesplittingly funny, I don’t want to hear about every little thing your kids does: Sorry, but I really, honestly do NOT care about the progress of Jr.’s potty training. I don’t care about the diaper blowout little Suzy had last night. The fact that Billy doesn’t like peas is NOT the highlight of my day. I don’t want to sit and listen to you chatter on and on about the strange substances that come out of your kid’s nose, ears, mouth, or butt. I don’t want to spend my afternoon talking about diapers, bedtimes, play dates, or the like. It is just not interesting to me. I want to talk to YOU about things we can share an interest in, not chronicle every poop and sneeze your kid has.

9) If I plan an event that is Adults-Only, that means do not bring children: This one means exactly what it says. Adults-only means adults-only. I will not change plans or switch things around to accommodate your children. Especially if you get really offended about it. If I’m having an Adults-Only party, gathering, dinner, etc. there will be adult-oriented conversation, movies (R-rated, horror movies most likely) and adult activities, like mixing and drinking of alcohol. Get a babysitter, have the spouse watch the kid for the evening. If you really feel like you cannot go anywhere or do anything without your child, then don’t come. Plain and simple. I would much rather you just not show up instead of bringing your kid in tow and then get upset when the adults-only event turns out to be adult-oriented.

10) I have many reasons for being Child Free, I do not owe anyone a single one of them: I don’t sit there and give childed people the third-degree on why they want, or had, kids. So why is it appropriate for them to grill me on my decision to not have them? It isn’t. It’s really no one’s business but my own as to why I made this choice. If I feel like telling you why, I will tell you. But I’m not obligated to justify myself to anyone.

11) I will not pretend like I need to make up for a lack of my own kids by having other kids in my life: Some Child Free people like to do this. They like having other kids in their life. That’s fine. I have no issue with that. But I do not NEED to make up for a lack of my own kids with other people’s kids. This goes along with the whole “need to nurture” thing.

12) I will not use self-deprecating language to compliment other people’s choice to become parents: I will not act like not wanting to be a mother is some kind of failing, problem, or shortcoming on my part. I will not act like people who have become parents are somehow better than I am, more capable, or less selfish. There are fabulous parents out there, and there are parents that should never have spawned. Being a parent alone does not make you a great person.

13) Guilt trips do not fly with me: No one, I repeat, NO ONE will guilt me into having a child for the sake of someone else. People who want kids can have them, just not through, or with, me.

14) I will not use my career as an excuse to explain my decision: My career choices are definitely incompatible with children, but even if I wanted to work from home typing up descriptions of porn videos, I would still not want kids. There does NOT need to be a conflict of interest.

15) Being sterilized is a result, not the cause, of me being Child Free: I will have a sterilization surgery because I don’t want kids. I will be sterile by choice. Being sterile is not the reason I have no kids. It is a result of that choice.

16) I will not pretend that I find anything about parenting appealing: I simply don’t. I am not phased by “Kodak” moments, intelligible child conversation, drooly kisses (or drool for that matter), or macaroni pictures.

17) I threw my biological clock out the third-story window when I was 16: Don’t try to talk to me about my “biological clock” or any such bs. I do not operate on some intangible time-figure, nor are my life choices made based on how much fertility I have left.

18) I will not enter into any romantic relationship with anyone who even remotely, slightly, thinks they may want kids:  Which is why I’m marrying a man who doesn’t want kids either.

19) I will not tolerate people asking me if I’ve ever been pregnant or if I’ve had an abortion: That is my business to disclose at my discretion.

20) …But in the event of a pregnancy, yes, I WILL have an abortion: I will do so without shame, doubt, hesitation, or consideration for anyone else’s opinion. Even my fiancé’s. He knows that too.

21) If you bring a child to my home, they must be FULLY CLOTHED: This running around in only a diaper thing I see sometimes is not okay with me.

22) I will not regard being a mother as the pinnacle of womanhood, or adulthood, or manhood: Being a parent is not required to be a mature, adult, responsible human being. These things are not related. As a matter of fact, one should be a mature, responsible human being BEFORE they have a child.

23) I park in “expectant mother” parking spaces. I don’t care. I think they are dumb and they cannot be enforced by any bylaw anyway: If your pregnancy is so incapacitating that you can’t walk across a parking lot, then maybe you shouldn’t be walking around a mall/store. The only exception I make for this are at hospitals, which are the only places it makes any sense. If your kids are so out of shape they can’t walk across the same parking lot, they need to get out more.

24) I will not act like it is appropriate to breastfeed anywhere at any time: If you are in a restaurant or shopping area or a park, as long as you cover yourself, there shouldn’t be any problem. This is okay. But whipping out your whole boob at a fancy dinner, a school event, government building (like a courthouse) or wedding is not okay. Politely excuse yourself and go to a bathroom or something. I understand you have to feed your kid. But I do not have to sit there and watch you expose yourself at any damn place you feel like. Use decent judgment.

25) I do not believe that a zygote or fetus is the same as an infant baby: They aren’t.

26) I will not be forced to sit and listen to any kind of religious proselytizing about this: Your religion will not be used as a tool of guilting and shame against me. End of story.

27) I will point out bad parenting: If your kid is running around, screaming, climbing on things, throwing a tantrum, or jabbing me in the back of the head at a restaurant (to give a few examples) and you are doing NOTHING about it, I will say something to you. Either directly, or over my shoulder. Depends on how I feel that day.

28) Being child free does not invalidate that I can distinguish good parenting from shoddy parenting: I know shitty parenting when I see it. I don’t have to be one to know that.

29) Bump me with your stroller too many times and I may just kick it: If I’m in your way, say “Excuse me please” and I will move. Politeness goes a long way. Ramming me in the back of the shins with your baby-cart is just going to make me angry. I will not concede to bullshit entitled behavior from parents.

30) I will not pretend to be interested in ultrasound photos: They look like black and grey blobs to me.

31) I’m not interested in “meeting” anyone’s baby: The kid is not going to know, or remember that I’m there. I especially will not fly across the country for this.

32) I DO have a life: Just because I have no kids does not mean that I’m spending my days drinking, partying, or wasting time watching tv on the couch. I do work. I go to school. I have plans for my life and career. My life is no less valid or eventful than that of a parent.

This is all I could think of at the moment. I may add to this list later.

Disclaimer: This post was written by a Feministing Community user and does not necessarily reflect the views of any Feministing columnist, editor, or executive director.

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