“God wouldn’t have given women tummy-pockets if he didn’t want babies swimming around in them!”

Let the great Ron Swanson–I mean, Nick Offerman–and some other late-middle-aged men explain why they know best when it comes to women’s reproductive health.

Transcript after the jump via Shakesville.


Ray Wise, Older White Guy in a Suit: Women’s reproductive health is an important issue.

Kurtwood Smith, Older White Guy in a Suit: And it’s crucial that we have a serious conversation about it.

Brian Flaherty, Younger White Guy in a Suit: Contraception. Birth control. Planned Parenthood.

Judd Nelson, Middle-Aged White Guy in a Suit: We need to speak out about these important concerns.

Nick Offerman, Middle-Aged White Guy in a Suit: You might say, “Wait—there’s something about all of you that seems very similar to one another!”

Tim Meadows: Middle-Aged Black Guy in a Suit: You’re right. There is. We’re all EXPERTS on women’s reproductive health.

Wise: What qualifies me to be an expert on women’s reproductive health? I’m a 59-year-old man.

Offerman: And late-middle-aged men know the most about everything.

Corey Stoll, Younger White Guy in a Suit: Obviously, our opinions on what non-men do with their bodies are very important and valid.

Smith: Back in my day, women just put an aspirin between their knees and that worked just fine.

Nelson: We also burnt sage to ward off evil spirits, and thought Asian people had the power of flight.

Offerman: Those were the days.

Stoll: If you need proof of my expertise, here’s a list of words I know.

Old Guy in a Suit Whose Name I Don’t Know: Vagina.

Offerman: Pudenda.

Flaherty: Mons pubis.

Offerman: Squirter.

Smith: Ovaries.

Offerman: Quim.

Nelson: Fallopian tubes.

Offerman: Bush.

Wise: Boobies. I’m practically a doctor.

Meadows: Oh, clitoris!

Flaherty: I touched a vagina once. Right before I got kicked out of the strip club. So, yeah, I think I know what I’m talking about here.

Offerman: Oral contraception is bad, plain and simple. Why? Because I don’t understand how it works and science scares me!

Wise: God wouldn’t have given women tummy-pockets if he didn’t want babies swimming around in them!

Stoll: And that’s why we chose to speak up. And I believe you’ll find all RELEVANT points of view to be adequately represented.

Old Guy in a Suit Whose Name I Don’t Know: Some of us believe that women should not be able to EASILY obtain birth control.

Wise: And others of us believe women shouldn’t be able to get it at all.

Old Guy in a Suit Whose Name I Don’t Know: It’s a broad spectrum.

Meadows: It’s just that women don’t know the first thing about their own health. That’s why there are no women doctors. But they’re good at other things, like poetry. And real estate!

Smith: Why don’t we ask a woman what she thinks? {All the men are shown laughing.] Because she would faint from the stress!

Offerman: Also, it’s a well-known scientific fact that women don’t show up on camera. That’s why Shakespeare had men play all the female roles.

Nelson: Any women who get angry about us making all these decisions are probably just on their period.

Meadows: Definitely on their period.

Offerman: Gross.

Smith: So, women, don’t you worry your pretty little heads.

Stoll: We got this.

Flaherty: We thought long and hard about your bodies.

Wise: And I’m pretty sure we know what’s best for you.

[All the men are shown saying, "Trust us. We're experts."]

Offerman: [giggling] Vaginas!

St. Paul, MN

Maya Dusenbery is executive director in charge of editorial at Feministing. She is the author of the forthcoming book Doing Harm: The Truth About How Bad Medicine and Lazy Science Leave Women Dismissed, Misdiagnosed, and Sick (HarperOne, March 2018). She has been a fellow at Mother Jones magazine and a columnist at Pacific Standard magazine. Her work has appeared in publications like Cosmopolitan.com, TheAtlantic.com, Bitch Magazine, as well as the anthology The Feminist Utopia Project. Before become a full-time journalist, she worked at the National Institute for Reproductive Health. A Minnesota native, she received her B.A. from Carleton College in 2008. After living in Brooklyn, Oakland, and Atlanta, she is currently based in the Twin Cities.

Maya Dusenbery is an executive director of Feministing and author of the forthcoming book Doing Harm on sexism in medicine.

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