When sexism comes from a friend

Hello everyone, my name is Carolina and this is my first post here. I’m 19 years old, I’m Italian and I’m currently studying Journalism at City University, London. I came to know about Feministing.com after a competition at my University, where some friends presented Jessica Valenti as their journalist idol. That made me read “He’s a stud, she’s a slut” and check out the website.

I’ve always considered myself a feminist and there are many ideas about women in my country that just drive me crazy. This is why I’ve decided to write this post. Caitlin Moran, British journalist author of “How To Be A Woman” ( read it if you haven’t done that yet, it has become my Bible!) , wrote in her book that we should realise when there’s some sexism going on by asking ourselves the question: “Are men doing this?”, “Is this done to men, too?”. Well, something happened to me that made me wonder. My answer was NO.

I’m really angry because what I’m about to write really hurts. And it hurts because it comes from someone I really love, my best friend (a guy). Well, one is supposed to talk about everything with his or her best friend, right? Well, apparently not. Not in my country at least. Because when my male best friend talks about his sex adventures (quite in detail) I’m not THAT interested. But I listen, because he’s my best friend. However, if I dare to talk about MY sex life with my best friend, his answer is: “It’s just horrifying, the way you let yourself get fucked”. EXCUSE ME???

Why it really hurts? Because not even a guy who should love me, a guy who knows who I am, doesn’t understand that sex is something made by TWO people. It’s not something DONE TO YOU. How naive of me to think that women can enjoy sex as well! Instead, we just get fucked.

It’s really selfish of him to make me listen to his sex life but to be horrified about mine (which is not that interesting, I assure you). His comments are offensive. But what makes me even sadder is that even his great mind has been overcome by our culture. Our wonderful, classic, millenary culture says that women can’t enjoy sex. That they’re not equal to men, that they can’t look for “no strings attached”. Because if they do, they’re either being used or being fucked, hence, they’re whores. Girls can’t have fun.

Now, I’m not the kind of girl that just whines about what’s wrong without looking for a solution. That’s why I wrote this post: because I am angry and sad, but also because I want people to know that something wrong happened. I want people to get angry like I am now and do something about it. Personally, I’ve already started arguing with my friend. Hope it will help!

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  • http://feministing.com/members/aflint1989/ Ashley Flint

    You are so right. Period. I recently had a conversation with one of my male friends about sexism, and he actually tried to convince me that there is such as thing as “positive sexism”. Oh, and that being an out and proud feminist also makes me a man-hater, whose sole purpose is to bring about the fall of (man)kind and propagate female world domination. I feel your pain.

    • http://feministing.com/members/carolina/ Carolina Are

      It’s so sad to have to deal with this things! Like the concept of “positive sexism” isn’t crazy. How could those two words go together? It’s like positive bone-breaking or whatever XD. And I’m also sick of the feminist stereotype: every woman should be a feminist, meaning that every woman should aim to have the same rights and chances. I haven’t even ever seen a feminist who hates men!