Southern Society and Sexism

The southern United States is often used as a scapegoat for many of the nation’s social injustices–we have the lowest teacher salaries, many civil rights issues, and a bad track record in electing politicians who are proactive in social reform. We are often painted as the most bigoted, backwards region in the world.

I love my home in Mississippi. I love the food, the music (blues, not country, of course), and the soul. That having been said, we have some major cultural problems going on. I see manifestations of racism almost every day (even though I also see racial reconciliation).

One of the biggest problems I have with the culture I’ve grown up in, however, is the emphasis on marriage and other “proper” behavior for young women. It’s not that marriage is bad, it’s just that it shouldn’t be expected of women, as it almost always is here.

Oh, and before I get any angry comments from northerners about the sexism that exists there too, I’ll make clear that I know that the south is not the only place where gender stereotypes hurt young girls. I’m simply writing from my perspective, which happens to be that of a southerner who recognizes cultural phenomena which seems to be more emphasized here.

People down here are shocked when I tell them that I’m not sure if I ever want to get married. It’s not on my to-do list, because it’s not a task, or a dream. It’s something that I could partake in someday, something over which I will not obsess in the meantime.

I know I sound harsh when I say that a little girl’s dream of a big white gown is a problem, but no little girl envisioning her wedding is actually looking forward to marriage. She’s looking forward to the stereotypical glitz and glamor that culture has convinced her to believe accompanies marriage.

In the past few weeks, I’ve spent some time with my very conservative family, whom I love, but almost always disagree with. During a chat between my 17-year-old cousin and me, she told me that if she could, she would fast-forward her life to the day she meets her husband-to-be, cutting out all the “wasted” years in between.

She declared to me that she would forgo years of her life just to get to be with her husband sooner, completely disregarding the fun and learning and personal development that takes place in the years between teenagerdom and young adulthood, the age in which she plans to marry. And to make matters worse, she’s been saying things like this for years.

She also revealed that she knows exactly what kinds of napkins and table settings she wants at this dreamed-up wedding.

Perhaps her behavior can be labeled as innocent, naive dreaming, and indeed it is naive. But it is also sad to me, and probably sad to all the women out there who wish that growing up, they would have spent more energy being young and free and, well, not thinking about fantasies.

This same cousin recently participated in a Cotillion Ball, similar to a Debutante Ball, a southern tradition in which young girls, typically from the richest and most prominent families, make their “debut” into society, by strutting down a platform in, yes, wedding dresses, their escorts leading them. In other words, seventeen year old girls are being pushed by their families and communities into a mock-wedding situation in which they and their boyfriends are led down an aisle. And all of this to be considered a proper young women in society.

The bottom line is that marriage isn’t for everybody. Encouraging girls to become Southern Belles, to get married, to be charming and social before intelligent and capable, undermines their independence and ability to make their own decisions.

I accept that I live in a region where girls, especially rich ones from old families, are expected to fit a mold. I also recognize that there is a fine line between innocent frivolity and blatant sexism. So ponder the Cotillion Ball, the marriage talk, and decide which category you think it fits into.

And if you, like me, decide that it fits into the second category, act to stop it by letting your sisters, your daughters, and yourself know that she doesn’t need a white dress to be successful, regardless of her Mississippi hometown.