“You’re a fucking slut,” and other things you should not say to a stranger on the subway

A few weeks ago, I was on my way back from a long, hard run through Manhattan. I had had a really shitty day, and while the run had been hard, I was hoping that it would send some welcome endorphins pumping through my body. I stood on the subway, sweaty but pleased with myself, with my usual cool-down music piping loudly through my headphones. As I stood there, I became aware that the man standing next to me was speaking to me.

I ignored him. I had had a long, crappy day, and I didn’t want to talk to a stranger. I wanted to stand on the subway, let the air conditioning evaporate the sweat off my skin, listen to Jessie J, and mind my own business.

The man asked me a question, which I ignored. He asked it again, and I ignored it again. Then he started waving his hand in front of my face (yes, he really did that, and even though this happened weeks ago, I’m still kind of stunned by it. Seriously, who does that?!).

I kept ignoring him, but I surreptitiously paused my iPod. Someone had just entered my personal space, and demonstrated that he didn’t have a whole lot of regard for my obvious wish to be left the hell alone. Turning off my music, so that I could be as aware and attuned to the situation as possible, seemed like a wise thing to do.

He kept on waving his hand in front of my face. After about ten seconds of waving, I lost my cool. “Yeah, I’m ignoring you,” I snapped.

There was a pause, and then he kept talking. “I was just asking you a question,” he said. “I just wanted to know where you run, because I run too, and I was curious.”

I stared straight ahead and said nothing. He was silent for another few seconds, then said:

“You’re a fucking slut.”

And then he walked to the other end of the subway car.

Man, I am so bummed that I did not talk to him. He was obviously a total catch, and I will kick myself for the rest of eternity for having missed out on the chance to have a conversation with him!

So here’s the thing. I don’t know this man’s life. He could have also been having a really shitty day, and maybe he tried to strike up a conversation with me to feel better, just like I went for a run to blow off steam. Or maybe he was having a shitty day, and that’s why he lost his temper and said what he said. Maybe he is really bad at picking up on social cues, and doesn’t understand that when a woman ignores your questions and continues to ignore you when you rudely wave your hand in front of her face, it means she doesn’t want to talk to you, and you should back off. I don’t know his life. I don’t know what was going on in his head, and as pissed off as I was in the moment, and as pissed off as I still am when I recall this incident, I want to at least allow for those possibilities. Maybe he is a lovely guy and I just happened to catch him at his very worst. Maybe he has never called a woman a “fucking slut” before in his whole life and he’ll never ever do it again.

Or maybe, he got really pissed off because a woman didn’t behave the way he’s been taught women are supposed to – deferential, compliant, polite even when a man is rude – and his kneejerk reaction was to throw a violently sexist insult at her. In response to which, I should add, no one else in the subway car did or said a damn thing, even though the guy said it loudly enough for everyone around us to hear.

And you know what? Even if he was having a bad day, the worst day, a terrible horrible no good very bad day, I’m of the opinion that calling a woman “fucking slut” simply because she refuses to talk to a complete stranger in a crowded subway car, is not acceptable (nor is it accurate, since the slutty thing to do would have been to have sex with him right there in the middle of the 7 train). I don’ t think it’s ever acceptable to call anyone what he called me, and I don’t think it’s acceptable that no one around us spoke up to tell him so.

But hey, what would I know? I’m just a fucking slut.