Rage against the (douche) machine

Let’s talk about the word “douche.” French for “shower,” in English, the noun form refers to a medical irrigation device; colloquially, an irrigation device for the vagina. Also a verb, “to douche” to use said device to irrigate the vaginal canal or other cavity. Then, there is the slang use: referring to a person as a douche or a douchebag is to call that person a specific type of unpleasant. Personally, I like to keep the slang term true to its roots. When I call somebody a douche, I mean that this person is smarmy, smug, self-important, thinks they know what is best for everyone else…maybe the type of person who kinda hates women and uses some combination of shame and what is supposed to be helpfulness and familiarity in order to gain access to their vaginas or wallets.

Here’s the word “douchebag” used in a sentence: Summer’s Eve, you are all MAJOR DOUCHEBAGS.

First there was that classy ad about using your products to clean that smelly vagina before asking your boss for a promotion so you don’t fail the vaginal whiff test that is apparently standard procedure in corporate environments across America. And people weren’t happy about that, and they called you out, and you apologized and said you wouldn’t run the ad again. And now, SOMEHOW, with your advertising people no doubt on their toes about ruffling feathers, you try to go all Vagina Monologues on us and pull this new shit. Learn about your vagina! Love your vagina! Use our products because if you really loved and respected your vagina, of course you would!

Where the fuck do I start on that whole trainwreck? Did you think you could fool us by blathering on about loving our vaginas? Fuck you- you don’t know the first thing about loving vaginas. If you did, you wouldn’t be obsessed with cleaning them and trying to rid them of their terrifying, embarrassing, miserable smells. Now, I am glad that your commercials do not highlight actual douching products, but external grooming products. However, you are still selling those from the “vaginas are rank! fact of life! YOU CAN TRIUMPH OVER THAT, GIRL! Aren’t you cool/liberated/understanding of your own vagina’s awesomeness (and natural repulsiveness)?” angle.

Besides, why would I trust a company that sells douching products at all? Douching is supposed to clean the ever-icky vagina, but do you know what it actually does? It throws off the body’s natural balance and wreaks havoc all the way up to the fallopian tubes. In a sick self-perpetuating cycle, douching makes vaginas more likely to develop bacterial vaginosis, which produces a much more offensive smell and discharge than a healthy vagina would, no matter how sweaty. Douching increases the likelihood of contracting an STI, of developing pelvic inflammatory disease, uterine infection, internal scarring, ectopic pregnancy, and infertility. So, excuse me if I’m not eager to trust your other products: you do not have a good track record. As one of my friends pointed out, your own website speaks to the uselessness of your product in comparing the vagina to a “self-cleaning oven.” IT CLEANS ITSELF. You don’t need any special shit to clean it. If you need instructions on how to clean your vagina, ask Amy Sedaris, not Summer’s Eve.

In another enormous failure of sensitivity, you also decided to make three separate commercials for white, black, and Latina vaginas, all of which rely on stereotypes and racial caricature. So charming! Definitely not winning you any points. I’d say that you must be making vaginas of other races feel left out, but I have a feeling they are all QUITE RELIEVED.

Where do you back-asswards fuckers get the gall to come at me with that racist, sexist shit saying, “love your vagina! learn about it! learn its anatomy! look, we’re donating to charity!” Seriously: you’re trying to shame me into buying a product, to fix an imaginary problem, that will probably give me a raging case of BV.

Listen up, everyone: if you love and respect vaginas, don’t give this company your money. Because they are a bunch of douches.