The Name Change

On the Today show this morning, Hoda and Kathie Lee (yes, you read that right), had a guest on who was discussing the issue of women changing their names when they get married. I have never planned on changing my name when I get married – I’ve been Larkin Callaghan my whole life, and I plan on staying that way. Changing my name to my future husband’s name doesn’t make sense to me. I can be in a equal, loving partnership with someone while maintaining the sense of independent self I’ve developed over the course of my life.

The guest they were interviewing kept saying that women weren’t changing their name because they were professional, working women who had developed a career with their given name and changing it to their husband’s name might confuse those (what?) who had associated their work with their maiden names. That’s only a sliver of the argument for me. Yes, I will have built a professional body of work (if I ever finish this dissertation…) with my own name, but I’ll also have lived my entire life – had relationships, friendships, jobs, apartments, adventures – with my name, and it represents the person I worked hard to become.

But more importantly….why would it even cross my mind to change my name? Some women have told me they have an appreciation for the tradition. I also have an appreciation for tradition – I was an Irish dancer and celebrated St. Lucia Day as part of my cultural traditions, and I created my own traditions with my family over the years – but some traditions to me represent a patriarchal mindset that I think we should be moving away from. Women used to change their names when their fathers “gave” them, or even sold them, to their new husband and husband’s family, it represented the transfer of all her properties and goods to the new husband. Why would I want to keep alive a tradition that hearkens back to women being treated as goods and on par with the value of a piece of land? It also historically signified God’s approval of the union. I don’t need God’s endorsement of my relationships. I’m pretty confident I can make those choices on my own.

A few of my male friends have told me that they want their future wives to take their names because they think it is important to unite the new family, that they want their children and wife to all share one name – not because they want to take part in a patriarchal tradition or deny their wife’s identity. This is unconvincing to me for two reasons. One, a name does not a family make. I have friends who are more like family than blood relatives who share my name. My mother never changed her name and I am unquestionably far closer to her than I am to my father, whose last name I do have. This is because of that old adage – actions speak louder than words. You can have the same name as me, but if your actions aren’t in accordance with what I see as family, it’s meaningless. You can have a different last name than me, and raise me well, instill in me values and goals that have gotten me as far as they have, provide unwavering support and love – and you can bet the fact that your last name is different than mine won’t make me say “whoops – but you’re not my real family.” And reason number two, if family unity is the goal, why do these male friends of mine balk at the idea of changing their name to the woman’s? That would ensure everyone in the family has the same name. The reactions I get from this suggestion, as I’m sure you can guess, are pretty hilarious – which leads me back to the original point – it’s not about uniting the new family, it’s about showing the world that the woman now belongs to you.

This isn’t to say there aren’t exceptions to this, there are. I do know a couple in which the man changed his name to the woman’s. And another there the couple made up an entirely new name, to signify the start of their family. But I do find it fascinating that these stories, and stories of women keeping their name (about 10%) are still in the minority. What are your thoughts?