Slob Shaming

Unknown to many feminists the internet “manosphere” is abuzz with indignation at being told to “man up” by Kay Hymowitz. Check out the original article here and a few representative responses here and here.

Now their response was mostly naked sexism but their anger was genuine and I feel somewhat justified. This is not for the reason you might think. It is not because my “masculinity” is threatened. It is because I am a feminist.

Consider what being told to “man up” really means. Anybody who has taken introduction to women’s or gender studies can tell you it is the harshest gendered language. For the phrase “man up” to make sense you must assume that there is a certain way men must act to be men-in other words they must take on traditionally male gender roles. Hymowitz unironically does just this.

Not so long ago, the average American man in his 20s had achieved most of the milestones of adulthood: a high-school diploma, financial independence, marriage and children. Today, most men in their 20s hang out in a novel sort of limbo, a hybrid state of semi-hormonal adolescence and responsible self-reliance. This “pre-adulthood” has much to recommend it, especially for the college-educated. But it’s time to state what has become obvious to legions of frustrated young women: It doesn’t bring out the best in men.

She evokes past gender roles in such a way as to shame men who do not voluntarily take them on. I call this slob shaming. As a feminist I find this antithetical to my deepest values.

You see I did not start out as a feminist. I started out as a Marxist; being viscerally against oppression in general. As feminism embraced intersectionality of oppression I embraced feminism as part of this larger movement. I imagine most male feminists have a similar story. Feminism is not just about women it is about justice.

This is what makes Hymowitz’s book so heartbreaking. She is doing precisely what the society of Betty Friedan’s day did to her. Readers of her work will recall “the problem that has no name”. Friedan was writing about the suburban housewife. In those days societal expectations were that any given woman would get married, have children, and that was it. She realized how soul crushing it was not not have a choice. Second wave feminism in many ways was spurred on by the desire to have a choice.

But let us look at the other end. Men in those days had a favorable position due to patriarchy (they still do in all too many cases) but they also didn’t have a choice. It was expected that any man would get a job and be provider, husband, and father. A man who tried to shirk this was as much a pariah as a woman who didn’t want to get married or work outside the home.

Fast forward to modern days. Times have changed. Women who want careers may have them (though discrimination is still a problem). They can even have careers and marriages (though only heterosexual ones in most states). Sadly many women who want to stay home cant because economic conditions now mean most families need two paychecks to survive (though that is a matter of economic justice and not directly relevant to this article). Men who want to get married can still do so. But now there is something new. Men don’t have to get married. Women can now sleep with who they like (after all mandatory marriage was one of the primary ways patriarchy controls female sexuality) and hetero men don’t have to get married to get laid. In fact tons of people have fulfilling sexual relationships and even families while delaying marriage or not getting married at all. Marriage does not equal family after all.

I see this as a good thing. I want people to be free to have sex with whom they please, get married…or don’t. But sadly some don’t see it that way. Kay Hymowitz doesn’t. She sees modern men as slobs. The fact of the matter is a young man with room mates can survive on very little money…even minimum wage if he is thrifty. He may play video games or be in a band on the side if he wants. He may go out with his friends, drink, and *gasp* have fun. He can even afford a girlfriend because society no longer mandates that sexual or loving relationships need to also be economic relationships. That wasn’t how it always was. Marriage used to be primarily an economic arrangement. The man gets sexual access, children, and domestic labor. The woman gets financial support. I don’t know about Kay but I see those as the bad old days. Sexual freedom is a two way street (actually more if you aren’t heteronormative about it). A woman is no more entitled to a husband than a man is entitled to a wife. It is called free love for a reason. People like Kay Hymowitz need to be called out on their shaming gendered language. This is not a battle we should be letting sexist bloggers fight for us.