Coming Out Day and the True Role of an Ally

Knowing how to be a good ally can be the hardest thing you can do. You are so passionate about a cause, but you do not personally experience these hardships. For example, some people go in to communities of color, and they begin to lead the initiatives and dictate the goals of the movement. Before they even know it, they end up taking over the space and reinforcing racial hierarchy.

Many times, we see straight people taking over the spaces of GLBTQ communities and forgetting to check their hetero privilege. They start advocating for what GLBTQ communities should be doing. As in, coming out of the closet. Sometimes even advocating for a “Coming Out Day,” which is happening all over the U.S.

My friend buria_q had this to say:

I’ve always disliked coming out day. Firstly, the concept is really simplistic. It basically sets up a telos. Most people don’t talk to everyone about every aspect of their lives. I don’t see any reason to privilege whether I like girls in my conversations with all the people I know in various circles and settings. I think it encourages this idea that you’re not “liberated” according to someone else’s LGBT measuring stick if you don’t do things that might even make you homeless. Femmefane says it well- “There’s no queer family network waiting to catch you if you are cut off from family support” (in their commentary of Dan Savage’s ‘It Gets Better’ video). I feel no desire to announce to them (relatives) that I’m queer. It’s irrelevant. I’m already seen as hyper-sexualized by others as a female-bodied person, I feel no desire to have them speculate even more about me. People should be able to speak about their personal lives on their own terms, not on anyone else’s. (For straight people) it’s their duty to hold other straight people accountable, not to push others to come out when they haven’t even done anything to improve the climate.

It could not be more eloquently said by my friend. buria_q later on adds that “there’s a way in which mainstream LGBTQ narratives are homogenizing.” Understand that not all LGBTQ experiences are the same, and that the mainstream voices you are exposed to does not sum up everyone’s experiences. As an ally, you should educate yourself on the vast differences in struggles within the LGBTQ community. If you want to be a good ally, learn to step back and let the voices who truly struggle speak!