“Termination”

Hi everyone – I doubt this is the correct forum in which to post this, but I’m not sure where else to post. I apologize in advance for that. I read the blog a lot but haven’t posted here before. If there is a more appropriate place in which to post this, please tell me!

I’ll get to the point – I’m a college senior, and had an abortion days before I went back to school. The decision was fairly easy for me to make, but what shook me the most was realizing that I had all of this horrible unconscious stigma built up inside of me. As a feminist, it was really quite disturbing for me to constantly remind myself that getting pregnant reflected in no way on my moral character, that I wasn’t tainted or impure, that I wasn’t a slut. I’ve never thought those things about myself, or anyone who’s had an abortion previously, and I was shocked to find those thoughts surfacing. I still struggle with this.

I’ve had a hard time finding people to talk to about this, and having a hard time finding literature that is relevant to my personal experience. As a feminist, as a woman of color, as someone with depression and anxiety, I’m seeking out other women who have had abortions to talk to – or, at the very least, some literary recommendations. I wonder, did other women felt the same way I did? All of a sudden needing to mentally check yourself and tell yourself that becoming pregnant doesn’t mean anything about your worth or morality? Or, generally speaking, how did terminating a pregnancy affect you, and how did it affect you as a feminist specifically?

I know it’s a private and personal matter for a lot of people. I also want to make clear that I am not trying to sentimentalize my abortion or anyone else’s, and I have no interest in publishing or using anything someone shares with me, but I am still having difficulty processing my own experience. If you are willing to talk to me, or have readings to share, I would appreciate it immensely. My email address is toomanyvowels@gmail.com.

AK