I have a bunch of amazing friends getting pregnant and giving birth these days (Jess!). I’ve never been a mother, so I feel at a bit of a loss of how to support my friends as they embark on this new stage, so I decided to ask a group of my favorite feminist moms the following question: What is the one thing no one ever told you about mothering that you wish they had?
Here are just a few of the awesome answers I received:
That you have an excuse to reprise the daily dance contests you had as a child (Beat It!) and get to watch Star Wars, Indiana Jones, and Goonies again.
I wish I had done this: In advance of the baby coming work out with your partner that you will weekly have time to talk about the kid(s) re what is going on and what is needed. GET AGREEMENT IN ADVANCE!
Not long after I had my daughter, a friend with grown children of her own said my job as a mom was to raise a well-adjusted adult. Her comment was so grounding, especially amid all the media frenzies over the smallest dangers or rights and wrongs of mothering, that I just loved it.
What an unfamiliar experience to feel unconditional love for someone you don’t even know. This is very different than love which comes as you get to know each other more.
That it’s all about listening: listening & responding to your child’s needs; listening to your child’s desires & responding either with joy as you help them to fulfill those desires or wisdom explaining why that doesn’t work for you or is not in their best interests; and lastly listening to your own needs and heart so you never get lost in the process, because being true and honoring who you are teaches your children to do the same for themselves.
Don’t expect it all to be good. In fact, expect to have some moments, many moments, when you want to throw your child out the window. Motherhood offers you moments of pure love and joy, and the opposite. Embrace them both for the person they help you become.
This is for after the adorable baby and fun elementary school age phases pass, so just tuck it away for when it’s needed: I wish they would have told me that you have to stay present with children even when you think they are paying no attention to anything you say, even when they go through the most rebellious of times, even when they break your heart. They’ll come through it and so will you.
I wish someone would have told me that our job as mothers is not to take emotional pain away from our children but to hold them through it.
That it just gets better and better!
6 Comments
This is so great, thank you for writing this! As a self-proclaimed feminist (but having a mother who’s “I’m not a feminist, but. . . “), I’ve often wondered what mothers who are loud and proud feminists have to say.
http://dontleaveyourfriendsbehind.blogspot.com/
this is a great ally blog/zine. it’s edited by vikki law and china martens, two great mothers, feminists and anarchists.
china martens also has book: http://www.amazon.com/Future-Generation-Zine-Book-Subculture-Parents/dp/0978656911
i hope to see more about mothering, feminism and radical politics on this blog.
I must admit that there are times I think about being a father. And at times that it scares me. Mostly it just scares me. My major reservation is getting sick and not being able to physically be a parent, but I also know that this isn’t most people’s issue to contend with, thank God!
I am glad we have good mothers out there. I’m a big fan of mine.
- never apologise for the existence of your mothering status/children. they are entitled to be in public, on the bus/train, be cranky/hungry/ angry/stimulated out of their minds by the flourscent lights and elevator music in 99.9% of retail establishments. just like every other human being gets to be in public, be loud/annoying/cranky. anyone who thinks otherwise can go *** themselves.
- most new non-child bearing partner/partner to be advice boils down to “dont be an inconsiderate asshole.” this may take some unused-to reflection, and may vary based on the personality of your partner, but get in the habit of it. it will just makes things a lot smoother when there are even more people and opinions floating around the home. asking a pregnant gal to get you something from the room she just left, after she just sat down? thats being an inconsiderate asshole.” asking a visably pregnant gal to get you a case of beer and a carton of cigarettes cause you left your wallet at home? thats being an inconsiderate asshole. asking your partner, who just got a teething, growthspurting 6mo to sleep if she “wants to cuddle?” thats being an inconsiderate asshole. saying “why cant you do fill in the blank with some seemingly insignificant task you are also perfectly capable of doing? youre not doing anything all day.” might get you shot.
bringing home dinner unexpectedly? cleaning the cat box/walking the dog without being asked? massages without the expectation of reciprication? saying “let me take the baby, you do fill in the blank”? not rolling your eyes/sighing/acting disapprovingly no matter what the state of the house is? full of win and liable to get you partner/parent of the year.
Fathers can “borrow” this advice as well, right?
China Martens’ book is good, as is Jessica Mills’ My Mother Wears Combat Boots and the HipMama canon. I’m writing a book on the topic myself, called The Radical Housewife, with a blog of the same name: http://www.theradicalhousewife.com.
The best parenting advice I ever received was from a grandmother and a second waver: “all a kid needs is a happy parent,” and then everything else will fall into place. I believe it.
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