Yes, He Is Wearing a Dress. So What?

In certain circles, labels such as “feminists” and “progressives” are titles of honor rather than ridicule.  We try to talk and act in a way that embodies these ideals.  However, the extent that we live up to these goals is imperfect.  Often we make compromises out of safety or concern for others, but sometimes our caution does more harm than good.  One such example comes from a self-described “progressive, supportive dad” who asked “Is that my son wearing a dress?”

Luke wanted to dress as Snow White for Halloween, and the reversal of typical gender roles provides the father some anxiety.  There are other suspensions of disbelief that go on with playing this particular character: she is a young adult and is royalty, but these are typically shuffled aside.  The father (Matt) instead hopes for something he considers less problematic, such as Luke wanting to play as an invincible humanoid alien not bound by the laws of gravity.  If one is concerned about the child taking a character too seriously, the more dangerous character really should be the one who may inspire a kid to “fly” out a window rather than pretty himself up a bit.Ultimately Matt’s concern boiled down to protecting his son from the ridicule a boy may endure for doing “girly” things.  He interfered with Luke’s commitment to dress up as Snow White, both by avoiding purchasing a costume and by suggesting alternatives.  Matt wanted to protect Luke and prevent him from enduring a scarring experience.  However, the entirety of schooling is too long and involved for a child to escape confrontation.  All children will face challenges at some point, so for children to be able to hold their own against their peers, they need the tools and the foundation to help them deal with those challenges — and hopefully a guardian or so who can advise them accordingly.

Instead of discouraging Luke from dressing-up, Matt should have later applied his energies towards affirming Luke’s right to express himself or dress up as he saw fit, and to discuss the issue critically (as best as parents and a young child can do) so Luke can defend himself better in the future and make a costume choice that works for him.  It is by having dependable parents that Luke can always have someone to turn to.  It is certainly preferable to the outcome that played out: Matt compromised his relationship with his son and still failed in his primary objective.

What makes the article so odd are Matt’s questions at the end.  “Had I helped the grown-up world destroy some of [Luke’s] capacity for make-believe?”  Yes.  It’s not just enough that Matt deliberately discouraged his son’s wishes.  He was also not sincere to Luke about his manipulations.  While it is not desirable to prime kids that they may be treated badly, doing so at least gives Matt the opportunity to lay out where he stands and to assure Luke that someone will always accept him for who he is.   As for whether Matt was “vocal enough in coaching [Luke] to ignore other people’s phobias,” his own actions may have spoken louder than his words.  If a grown adult cannot stand up to gender phobias, what chance does a child have?

While teachers have lots of tools they can use to help educate children, one of the most powerful devices they and all adults have to work with is the power of their example.  If you want your child to look beyond gender roles and the phobias related to them, you need to be prepared to do so yourself.  This matter not only concerns how you present yourself to your child; it deals with how you treat your kid, which is shaped by how you think other people may treat the child.  Keep sight of what it means to be a supportive progressive — you win through the strength of ideas, fairness, and determination rather than by minimalizing oneself.  It won’t stop confrontations in school, but you at least show your kid you will support their efforts to work through problems rather than encourage the child to fearfully avoid them.