Queer and Questioning

I never questioned my sexuality until I was in university. I was privileged enough to feel comfortable with society’s prescribed heterosexuality. It was feminism and a general commitment to being open minded that made me wonder how ‘straight’ I really was. (It’s true then, feminists are all lesbians and they are trying to convert!)

Then I began a relationship with a man. As we are both cis gendered I was, for the most part, perceived as straight.   I did not challenge the privilege that came with such assumptions. I had identified with the term ‘heterosexual’ for so many years that I rationalized not coming out because it would ‘just confuse people’. I also told myself that ‘its private, I shouldn’t feel obligated’. My closest friend and my partner knew so why tell more people?

I hid under this rock for years.

Then, I was chatting with a queer acquaintance. I came out to her casually because I felt comfortable telling someone I didn’t really know that well and who didn’t know any of my friends or family. Also, telling someone who is herself queer was, for me, easy. We were talking about the recent Pride Week that I had not known about. I told her I was disappointed and that because I was not out, I was in no way a part of the community. I began to tell her why I wasn’t out and heard the excuses I had made. They were shit! Could I not come up with anything more substantial?

Now I have been considering coming out to my friends, family and the general world.

Then came the fear. Would people take me seriously? People who perceive me as straight would be confused as to why I was coming out, especially since I wasn’t in a non-(cis)hetero relationship. I think some will ask themselves, ‘Why is she telling me at all?’ But more importantly, how would people of the queer community take me?  I am a cis, white, able bodied, perceivably straight woman. I have never had a relationship with a person who identifies as a woman or as trans.

I feel I do not have to have had a relationship outside of those with cis-men to know that I am Pan; I know my feelings toward women and trans people. But some people would take me for a fraud.

So now I am stuck. I have the general anxiety associated with coming out: fear of rejection and of misunderstanding. But I have a more potent fear that people will doubt my authenticity.

Is my desire to stay true and honest worth the heart ache? Would my effort to challenge my privilege be in vain? Would my effort to come out as a demonstration of solidarity to those in the queer community be rejected?

I ask you, is it really worth it?