Health and “Mental Health”

“Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me.” Is there anyone here who still believes that? We have all been educated by now in how name-calling can hurt. Or have we?

I quit dealing with the music department at school for my health. Which is a decision everyone seems to be fine with, until they find out that I’m talking about mental health. At which point the objections begin. I have been instructed, repeatedly, to “not let this get to you.” Told that by doing this, I am “letting him win.” Been informed that my avoidance is a clear sign that I am not mentally fit to be in school, that I must need my meds upped. Faced with this refusal to accept my decision, I found myself saying that I was afraid of being hit. Physically hurt.

That’s where it struck me (pun not intended). If I had indeed been avoiding physical injury, the exact same choices would have been completely ok with everyone. I would have been supported in my decision by many of the very same people who criticized my decision. Perhaps even (quietly) praised for being strong enough to recognize when to leave.* Instead I was roundly criticized for my decision.

What’s the implication here? That if I had been physically hurt, or concerned about being physically hurt, it would have been a good enough reason to avoid a situation. Whereas concerns about effects on my mental/emotional health are evidence of weakness. I am supposed to, somehow, render myself unaffected by the emotional turmoil of being around an abuser, or the twin peril of staying silent or being known as the vindictive ex. My refusal to do so is evidence that I am not yet “over it” (since when was I supposed to get over it anyways), need more mental health treatment (none of your business), or am “letting him win” (win what? why is this even about him?).

Even while being told to take care of ourselves, we are told that we are weak for choosing to do so. Perhaps that is true. Would people shame me for refusing to lift something heavy because I was likely to hurt myself? Or was getting over a recent back injury? Even though that is admitting I am weak in the quite literal sense of the word.

But we are shamed for taking care of our mental health in the guise of helping and caring. We are warned about the dangers of avoidance. We are told we are not trying to heal. In short, we are told that showing emotional damage or trying to protect ourselves from it is not allowed. If we want to help people heal, we need to respect and encourage decisions about their own health, not just the specific types of health we as a society approve.

*Note: I am in no way saying that the support for sexually abused women is perfect or universal. In this case I am speaking of people that are at least somewhat in tune with feminist ideals and supportive of abuse survivors.