Communal Living

I live in a dorm.  I am a graduate student attending a school in an extremely expensive city on an island so housing is extremely, extremely expensive.  Add on cost of food and how little graduate research assistances get paid, the dorm was my best option.  My dorm is not part of the college; it is a private dorm.  It is attached to a Buddhist temple and the majority of the residents are either international students or graduate students or both.  I really like my dorm.  People are nice, it is quiet, it is clean and it is close to everywhere I would want to go.  All the rooms are private rooms.  There are three floors; the top floor is the women’s floor.  Unlike the men’s floor the women’s floor is always locked and there are no men allowed.  Sometimes special dispensation is made for people moving in an out but you are not allowed to bring male guest up to your room.  No one is supposed to have over night guest at all (not just the ladies). 

I knew about this rule before I moved in but since I couldn’t afford
an apartment or many of the other living situations I decided to live
here anyway.  Honestly, it hasn’t been a big deal at all (except for one
guy who liked to rub it in my face that I lived in a dorm and we
couldn’t ever go there to hang out, suffice it to say he isn’t around
anymore) when I am incline to engage in opposite gender private time I
can find a place.  However, while recently cleaning through my desk I
found my resident handbook and started reading.  I discovered that the
rule did not actually exist!  It was not mentioned or alluded to at
all.  Then it occurred to me that the signs that once hung in the
stairwell stating that men were “Forbidden” from the 3rd floor in 4
languages had also come down a few months ago. 

At this point I should mention that among the actual written rules
are: No alcohol on the premises; Lounges Close by 10; and all guests
must be gone by 10.  These rules are literally never enforced.  On any
given night the couple who lives in the dorm and takes care of the
facilities can be found drinking beer on the back porch.  Movie Night
last until midnight in the lounge and guest stay that late at least.
 That doesn’t bother me at all.

Last night at Movie Night I brought this up to one of my lovely
dormmates who has lived here for more than 2 years.  I was surprised
when she defended the rule enthusiastically.  She claimed that she would
feel uncomfortable if there were men on our floor and that men were
generally more untrustworthy so it was not a problem that women guest
could be on the men’s floor.  She is much more involved in our dorm
community than I (research assistant = slave) and she said that a lot of
the guys have girls spend the night all the time and although the rule
is not written anywhere it is a rule and one girl that she knew had been
kicked out for breaking it. 

That was a long, long set up but here is my point:  It would make my
neighbor uncomfortable if I brought my friend who is a boy up to my room
to watch a movie or talk so I won’t do it.  This isn’t the first Dorm I
have lived in and the one thing I think is really important to learn
about community is that often times getting your way or being right are
not as important as communal health.  That sounds really communist and
of course I am not talking about “the status quo” argument.  I am
talking about turning down your music so your neighbors will like you
and water your plants when you are away.  I am talking about raking your
leaves so your neighbor doesn’t have to rake them in her yard.  I am
talking about being part of a community and saying that this one small
thing that isn’t what I would prefer is better to give up than fight
over. 

A while ago I got my hackles up over the use of a particular word.  I
felt like it was my word and I was going to use it and no one had the
right to tell me to stop.  I WAS WRONG.  It is a word that makes up so
little of my vocabulary that if it hurts someone even a little bit, it
hurts me infinitely less to stop using.  It isn’t about agreeing with
someone on this issue it is about respecting someone as a member of your
community.  Whenever anyone takes on the subject of political
correctness with me I say “when you use words that you know are hurtful
you are not only saying what you intended to but you are also saying, I
don’t care about your feelings.”