Ask Professor Foxy: Do I Need My Mother’s Permission to Have Sex With My Boyfriend?

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Dear Professor Foxy,
Me and my boyfriend have been in a long-distance relationship for 7 months now. In February, he will be flying and staying here for a week, where we will meet in person for the first time. We care deeply about each other, and are both very excited to be able to spend some time together in real life. We also really want to be able to have sex; I am 18 and he is 20, so I know that we’re legally able to; I love him very much and want to just as much as he does, so I know we’re mentally ready for it; and we’ve discussed using protection and being safe, so I know we’re physically ready.
However, my mother is strongly opposed to the idea, and she’s told me flatly that “No, it’s not happening,” and once said, “If you have sex with him when he visits, you’ll be a slut and a whore,” as she is under the impression that because our relationship is long-distance, it won’t be “real” until we meet, and I would be sleeping with him after only “truly being” with him for a week. She is afraid of me becoming pregnant, and even when I told her I would use protection she kept freaking out about the idea of me having sex. I can understand her fears and worries, as she had two children she didn’t exactly plan for, and my boyfriend will be the first one I’ve had.
I don’t know whether or not I should talk to my mom about it again. She tells me that as long as I am living in the house where she pays the bills, I don’t actually have any of the rights that being 18 entitles me too, which includes having sex. I’d like for her to be okay with it, but every time I’ve brought it up she starts freaking out and telling me she’s not going to allow it.
Me and my boyfriend can’t wait to be intimate and close in both sexual and non-sexual ways, and I don’t feel that she has any right to tell me I can’t have sex with someone I care so much about. Should I try discussing it with her again? If she still disapproves, would I be terribly in the wrong if I went behind her back and did it anyway? Should I maybe discuss it with my aunt? She lives across the state so she couldn’t back me up in person, and doesn’t want to go behind my mom’s back in any way, but is a feminist and much more understanding about my relationship then my mother.
Thanks.
Hi Thanks –
I am glad that you are and your boyfriend have had so many prep conversations. You are clearly close and the ability to discuss having safe sex is incredibly important. I cannot make your decision for you, but let’s talk some of the issues.
First, keep your options open. You may meet him in person and realize that you don’t connect in person. You may also feel like you don’t want to have sex, but do want to engage in other sexual activities. You may also want to spend the entire time having sex.
You are 18, which means you can legally have sex (as you can in many jurisdictions at younger ages). However, you still live at home, which gives her power over you. What does it mean if your mom finds out that you have had sex? Will she kick you out?
However, my mother is strongly opposed to the idea, and she’s told me flatly that “No, it’s not happening,” and once said, “If you have sex with him when he visits, you’ll be a slut and a whore,” as she is under the impression that because our relationship is long-distance, it won’t be “real” until we meet, and I would be sleeping with him after only “truly being” with him for a week. She is afraid of me becoming pregnant, and even when I told her I would use protection she kept freaking out about the idea of me having sex. I can understand her fears and worries, as she had two children she didn’t exactly plan for, and my boyfriend will be the first one I’ve had.
I understand her fears, but they are hers and not yours. You have taken important steps to keep yourself safe. How close are the two of you? Do you usually ask her for permission and/or advice about major issues? Your aunt sounds like a good sounding board and I would turn to her for more advice.
Your body is yours and you get to control what you do with it. It is not “going behind her back.” It is making a decision for yourself. The decision may have positive or negative consequences, but it is yours to make.
Best,
Professor Foxy
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