Ask Professor Foxy: As A Trans Man, How Do I Meet Gay Men?

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Dear Professor Foxy –
I am, when I’m not feeling verbose, a gay trans man, just starting transition. It’s taken me long enough to figure that much out and come to terms with it. It has taken me even longer to realize that, actually, I rather like my vagina, and I don’t want any of the genital surgeries that are available to trans men. And I have discovered that, after all this self-discovery and acceptance and coming-to-grips, I am still in my early twenties, and I have a hell of a lot of living left to do, so there’s not much point in sulking and giving up on things like my sex life.
My problem comes in identifying as a gay man with a vagina. A part of me is resigned to dating exclusively bisexual men for the rest of my life, but there’s a nagging fear that they’ll only be attracted to the parts of me I’m trying to change. Besides, I tend to be attracted to the more stereotypically gay men. And while I’m well familiar with my local queer community, I barely have a functioning gaydar, much less bi-dar.
I feel like the men I’m trying to date are men who’ve never seen a vagina before. I tend to be open and up-front about my trans status, but that may be because I don’t pass much yet, and it’s the easiest way to get someone to use the right pronouns. I’m more than willing to strap it on, but I would prefer a partner who’s not going to ignore my vagina. Sometimes it needs to be properly fucked. It doesn’t help that even straight men seem to regard vulvas as some sort of great squelchy mystery, and periods as the most disgusting things ever.
So, Professor. If I start to pass more reliably (or, more likely, I just say fuck it and start cruising the gayborhood anyway), how do I find out if a guy will not be repulsed by girly bits while still treating me like the fabulous man I am? If I know an attractive guy is gay, and he knows I am trans, where do we go from here? If we do somehow manage to make our way to the bedroom, is there a Beginner’s Guide to Pussies, or Straight Sex for the Gay Man pamphlet I can give him? I’m willing to give the bisexual (and pansexual and trisexual and what-have-you) guys out there a second chance, but I’d still really like to know if there exist gay men who can appreciate female plumbing.
With Hope,
-Reclaiming HIS Cunt
Hello RHC –
Thanks for your letter. The first thing is that there are actually a decent amount of gay, bi, and queer trans men out there (I have no stats, but here is an interesting article, just search “trans”).
Additionally, there are a number of affirmative resources for trans men who are attracted to other trans and cis (non-trans) guys, such as www.queertransmen.org, and safer sex resources like James Cullen’s “Safer Sex for Trans Guys.” Also, there are many communities on livejournal and other social networking sites specifically designed for gay, bi and queer trans and cis men. These online communities may help you connect with other guys who have experienced similar barriers when trying to hook up and/or develop relationships with other guys.
When meeting other guys, there are a lot of things to consider, but first of all keep an open mind about whose type you might be. Many gay cis men will be interested in you. Some won’t be, but that’s the way attraction works between any two people, regardless of whether one of them is trans. Similarly, many bisexual cis men may be interested in you, and some may not be.
Being open and up front are good things, no matter how much you pass in the future. Disclosure is important because of personal safety, so you need to find the right moment to do so. I would suggest telling someone when it looks like things may turn sexual but when you are still in a public space. If you get a sense that someone is interested in you specifically because you’re trans rather for who you are as a person, it’s up to you to decide where your boundaries are. Stay in tune with what feels right for you, and never be afraid to leave a situation that doesn’t feel comfortable. Also keep in mind that the gay men’s community is used to a certain level of disclosure conversations since the HIV/AIDS epidemic hit. Like anybody on the dating scene, you will run into some rejections, and that will undoubtedly hurt, but you may also find an amazing man and/or an amazing sexual encounter. At the end of the day, finding the right person is about connection, commonalities, and mutual interest. If he’s into you and you’re into him, terrific; if not, no worries. Keep your head up and continue to be yourself – you’re bound to find a guy who appreciates your honesty, and hopefully you’ll appreciate his.
Once you get passed the point of disclosure, it should be easier to express your desires. As one of my gay trans man friends says, “I have a perfectly good self-lubricating hole. Lots of guys appreciate that.” Ultimately, hot sex, and great relationships are based on open, honest and sometimes tough conversations. If you can master the disclosure and desires discussions, and the guy you’re interested is still on the same page, have fun with him and have fun exploring where your connection leads.
One last thing to note – there are plenty of sites for gay men looking for sex (manhunt, gay.com and adam4adam being a few of the more popular ones). Sometimes you’ll run across trans and cis guys posting ads explicitly stating that they are “FTM” or “trans friendly.” Even those that do not clearly label may have affirming language such as “open-minded,” and some of the more progressive guys who tend to be open minded identify as queer. Negotiating online can also offer a certain level of anonymity, which may feel safer.
Good luck! I’m confident you’ll find a man that appreciates all of you, including your cunt and your fabulous manhood!
Best,
Professor Foxy
If you have a question for Professor Foxy, send it to ProfessorFoxyATfeministingDOTcom.