A Positive Definition of Masculinity

Courtney’s recent article on masculinity makes me want to share some of my thoughts on the matter. Her thesis is that the ‘new’ masculinity is still defined negatively, that young feminist men know what they don’t want to be, but haven’t yet figured out what their manhood is going to look like. It is, indeed, a tough question.

Most men start with a list of things they don’t want to be. Sometimes, it’s just a single man we don’t want to emulate. But either way, it’s don’t be weak, don’t be scared, don’t be mean, don’t take any shit, don’t start any trouble, etc., etc. Gradually, we start figuring out who we are in a more positive way. We’re funny, we’re short, we’re tall, we like women who wear glasses, we think Batman is cooler than Superman (who doesn’t, right?), we think Lost is overrated, and so on. I expect it’s not that different for young women.

For feminist men, the trouble comes with attaching gender. When I say a man should be strong, does that mean I think women are weak? Or does it mean that I think that a man who is physically weak is less of a man that somebody who can bench 350? No on both counts. In the end, there is not a single characteristic that I can think of that I think men should have that I would not want my daughter to have as well. So where does that leave masculinity?

I think, given the physiological differences, that when you look at the population level there are masculine and feminine virtues. But there is so much overlap that the differences dissolve at the individual level. I also think that it’s impossible to sort out culture from biology in most of those cases. But virtue is not a zero sum game, so to claim strength as a masculine virtue is not to deny it to women, or vice versa. Ditto for flexibility, intelligence, etc. Maybe the difference between masculine and feminine is about the recipe, more than the ingredients. Or maybe it’s not something that happens on the individual level.

I love to cook. Is that manly? It is for me. If my daughter wants to play dress up, and puts me in a frilly hat, does that diminish my masculinity? Definitely not, because masculinity, for me, includes being man enough to not be afraid of a little girliness here and there. Besides, I own enough power tools to more than make up for the occasional pink hat. We make the models, not the other way around.

So men and women alike make their choices, and let those choices writ large define what it means to be a man or a woman, but in a descriptive way, not a prescriptive way.