Target Women: Beauty Contraptions

I just had to put this up, not only because Sarah Haskins is the awesome, because I’ve been meaning to post about that neckline slimmer for quite a while now. Intense.

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  • Elizabeth

    Sarah Haskins always makes my day a little better!

  • Furiousfemale

    I’ve been neglecting my boob shape at night, oh the horror!

  • SarahSimone

    That vibrating mascara bit cracked me up. That is exactly what would happen to me if I tried that.

  • Comrade Kevin

    Yes, ladies, remember you are exactly what you purchase and an impossible ideal of perfect beauty is easily attainable, provided you’ve got the cash.

  • W. Kiernan

    I-i-i-it’s e-e-e-e-easy!! (smear) ha ha ha

  • mightywombat

    The damn video won’t load for me. Grrr!

  • Ahlana

    Same :-/

  • MLEmac28

    do you guys have macs by any chance? it won’t load for me either.

  • Charybdis

    Could anyone post a transcript? Thanks

  • arielmorgan

    Man, and I thought I was the only one that thought that vibrating mascara thing was weird!!!! (What’s shocking is how strangely un-shocking and normal it looked in the beauty isle at CVS, no matter how many times I walked past thinking “what in the hell is this nonsense???”)

  • Taken
    Sarah Haskins in Target Women: Beauty Contraptions
    And you’re going to feel it, Karen, from your eye, all the way down to your bra line.
    sexy clean cool fun healthy young … underpants
    (SARAH 0:14) There comes a time when you’ve tried everything to be beautiful, you’ve tried fancy lotions, you’ve dabbled in peels! Nothing works.
    Well, Maybe it’s time to try a contraption..
    (NECKLINE SLIMMER 0:25) In just two minutes a day, these women, all over 36, dramatically transformed their necklines, and took years off their appearance.
    How’d they get these age defying results? With the neckline slimmer!
    (SARAH 0:37) Somewhere in the world, a person gets up in the morning, and goes to work, at the neckline slimmer factory.
    Beauty contraptions get a bad rap, they’re advertised on late night TV, you pay for them in installments, rich people don’t use them, but American beauty has always been aided by contraptions.
    Corsets. Hoop-skirts. Wonderbras.
    Contraptions allow us to focus on very specific problem areas. You know how as you get older your mouth muscles get all disgusting (sarcasm)? Not with this gadget..
    (FACIAL FLEX 1:06) And you’re going to feel it Karen, from your eye all the way down to your bra line. I mean it’s amazing.. really good.
    (SARAH 1:11) What about that silent beauty problem, your boob shape at night? (laugh) Done.
    (KUSH SUPPORT 1:16) Kush support maintains a more natural shape while resting on your side. No straps. No Under-wires. No constraints. No Adhesives. And no garments needed.
    (SARAH 1:25) Feels good, looks normal!
    Good contraptions saves your time and effort.
    (SKECHERS SHAPE UPS 1:30) Now you can get in shape, without setting foot in a gym! New from sketchers, it’s shape ups! The next step in fitness footwear. Work out while you walk!
    (SARAH 1:41) Awesome.. you just put on your work out clothes, put on your shape ups, and take a walk. No exercise involved! Still skeptical? Well that’s why contraptions are scientifically tested.
    (SLENDER SHAPER 1:51) Let’s perform a test with this traditional treadmill that costs hundreds or even thousands of dollars vs. the slender shaper. Not bad! 536 times!
    Now lets see how Samantha did with the slender shaper. Wow! 9306 times!
    (SARAH 2:05) Wow, 9306 times. TIMES WHAT? who cares. Where do these amazing machines come from? I don’t know. Probably from a place both sophisticated and shrouded in mystery..
    (SUZANNE SOMERS FACEMASTER 2:16) It’s a micro current, and it’s a technology that’s been around in Europe for a long time..
    (ELLURE PARIS 2:22) Introducing the ultrasonic home facial massager, once available at only exclusive spas in Europe.
    (SARAH 2:27) Europe, of course, everyone’s beautiful in Europe.. because of those castles they live in.
    But the most important functions beauty contraptions serve is pushing mainstream beauty devices to even greater innovations. I bet you thought mascara was as ADVANCED AS IT COULD GET.
    Hold onto those mascara horses.
    (MAYBELLINE PULSE PERFECTION 2:45) Introducing a new era in mascara. VIBRATION.
    Turn on. New pulse perfection vibrating mascara. Our exclusive motor inside, pulses the brush 100 times a second.
    (SARAH 2:56) Itttt’ssss easy (shaky voice)
    So don’t worry if you can’t afford botox, cosmetic surgery, derm-abrasion, or a personal trainer. Just because you’re not wealthy doesn’t mean you can’t get pretty.. in five. easy. installments.
    (ANNOUNCER 3:15) For more target women, check out infomania’s half hour show, Thursdays at 10, on current TV.

  • Lilith Luffles

    I want to find any woman who buys that or man who buys it for a woman (especially) and ask them why they aren’t donating their money to some charity, because that’s seriously the most ridiculous beauty item I’ve seen yet. I’m pretty sure I’d quit working at Staples if we started selling that. (We already sell Smooth Away, Strap Perfect, and Bump-Its.)

  • Key from the City

    I’ve never seen most of these contraptions but am downright scared. It’s as if to remain beautiful, we have to become Franken-women.

  • kandela

    To be fair they make those ‘Shape-Ups’ in men’s sizes too.

  • Toongrrl