Ask Professor Foxy: How Do I Deal With People’s Misperceptions of My Gender?

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Dear Professor Foxy,
I am a sixteen-year-old lesbian with a question about gender expression. I have never been “conventionally feminine”. As a child I never wore dresses by choice, enjoyed very physical play and running about outdoors, and was generally known to be a tomboy. I have been out to myself for almost three years now, and am relatively comfortable with my sexuality. As comfortable as I am about anything else at this point in life, at least.
I tend to think of myself as a soft butch. I usually find masculine clothing to be more comfortable for me, physically and in terms of my self-image. A few months ago, after a long period of discussion with my parents, I got my hair cut quite short. Not buzz cut short or even close, but about two inches long all over. Societal problems below aside, I couldn’t be happier with it.
However, since this change I have learned something about myself: I apparently have a masculine facial structure. In the past three months, I have been referred to as male or called by male pronouns on at least two dozen different occasions, probably more. And I’ll admit, I’m very thrown by this. (I don’t think I look male at all, nor does my family, but obviously a few others disagree.) I’ve never heard this issue discussed by either the feminist or LBGT communities, so I thought you might have an idea on how I should respond to this.
I am wondering what the proper feminist response is when one is referred to as a guy. Am I accepting male/masculine privilege by just allowing people to read me as male? Should I correct strangers when they refer to me by the wrong pronouns, and if so, how do I go about doing that? Right or wrong, I’m not especially offended when it happens. The only reason I’m writing at all is because my mom is upset by it, it does happen quite regularly, and I want to make sure I handle this properly.
Subtle changes in my wardrobe and mannerisms have proved ineffective at resolving this, to my mother’s frustration. She thinks that I should either grow my hair back out or wear overtly feminine clothes to ensure people read me as female. Because I like both my clothes and my hair the way they are, would it be selling out to take her advice?
I guess my real question is this: Should I keep ignoring those who get it wrong, “femme up” my appearance, or keep my look the way it is and speak up when I’m misread?
Thanks,
Not a “Sir”

Hello Ma’am –
I am really happy that you are this comfortable with yourself and your gender expression. Unfortunately, you are ahead of the world, which has not caught up yet. Regardless of your facial structure, we live in a society that overwhelmingly codes gender by obvious external traits: haircut and clothing type. I have seen butch and soft butch women with extremely feminine facial features and large breasts regularly referred to as “sir.”
You are being true to yourself and this is commendable, but not easy. Nor is it going to go away, but it is a great deal less painful to deal with then putting on an exterior that does not reflect you. The real question is how to deal with both the random strangers and your mother.
If you do not feel the need to correct them, then don’t. The proper response is whatever feels best for you. I would also talk to your mother, who seems quite supportive, and tell her that you understand it upsets her, but this is who you are and you both have to learn how to deal with this.
I do not think you are accepting male privilege by allowing people to read you as male, you are just reflecting who you are. When you correct people, you expand their idea of what it means to be a woman. Correcting people should be done when you feel comfortable and safe. Unfortunately, this is just something that you and the people you love will have to deal with so you can be true to yourself.
Best,
Professor Foxy
If you have a question for Professor Foxy, send it to ProfessorFoxyATfeministingDOTcom.