“Holy Sex” Book review

Recently I bought “Holy Sex: A Catholic Guide to Toe-Curling, Mind-Blowing, Infallible Loving” by Gregory K. Popcack, PH.D. It is a gift for my recently married cousin, but I read it for myself as a representative piece on Catholic sex.

A very large part of the book is repeatedly dispelling the notion that Catholicism is anti-sex or anti-pleasure. Popcack explores some of the thinking that results in anti-sex attitudes, or separates sex and spirituality, and explains why it is non-catholic. Chastity is not the complete repression of sex, but rather the ability to control sexual urges until the appropriate time.

In the book Popcack describes what he calls “Holy Sex”, sometimes contrasting it to “eroticism”. As per chapter 2: Holy sex is “very pleasurable, driven by intimacy and arousal, overcomes shame, works for the good of the other, welcomes children, shares the whole self, more joyful and vital with time, gives life and health.” Meanwhile Eroticism, is also very pleasurable but is “driven solely by arousal, causes shame, uses the other, fears children, withholds the self, more stagnant and boring with time (like a drug) and brings disease and death”. Achieving Holy Sex requires improvements to one’s character and the relationship with one’s spouse. This means Love (self donative), responsibility (self discipline and stewardship), Intimacy, Cooperation, Joy, and personhood. From chapter 3 conclusion “Gentiality is an important aspect of sexuality, but the authentic sexuality expressed by Holy Sex is about taking full advantage of every moment to be the best lover this moment allows you to be.”

Popcak approximates the feminist concept of sexual objectification when he describes eroticism. Where as in Holy Sex you give yourself entirely, in eroticism one turns the other into a mere instrument of pleasure. Holy Sex is about making love, where as eroticism is “scratching an itch”.

Part Two: The Five Great Powers of Holy Sex

1. Holy Sex has the power to make the common holy

2. Holy Sex has sacramental and redemptive power

3. Holy Sex has the power to be a physical sign of God’s passion for us

4. Holy Sex has the power to unite

5. Holy Sex has the power to creative

Holy Sex involves loving one’s spouse the same way God loves him or her. God loves all things and all people in an extremely self less manner. Otherwise God wouldn’t have bothered creating us, nor would he have let his son/himself be crucified. By achieving this ultimately kind of love, one is doing God’s work (thus making the common holy), one becomes better prepared for the afterlife where we face God’s love directly (thus redeeming us) and we make our earthly relationship’s and sex lives into a physical sign of God’s love (which is explained to be very passionate). While explaining power 2, Popcack quotes a women who was tormented by her inability to accept her husband’s love, and describes hell has a similar experience.

Chapter 8: Sex Unites discussing the meaning of Genesis where Eve was made form Adam, this biblical passage implies that man and women are made of the same stuff, and are missing pieces and can only though union can be made whole. Adam, Eve and God had an ideal unity until the fall, and now men are women must try to recreate that unity. Popcack also discusses the brain chemistry of sex. Sex fundamentally alters the brain function of the couple. Sex bonds the couple together and the longer the sexual relationship the greater the bond. Promiscuity in turn weakens one’s ability to bond. Popcack cites “attachment scientists” who study the human process of attachment. Attachment scientists discovered “defensive attachment” that forms from repeated forming and breaking of bonds, and prevents bond forming in the future. Condoms slow bonding through sex by blocking certain hormones in semen.

Chapter 9 Sex Creates: “Holy Sex seeks to celebrate a love that is so powerful that in nine months it has to be given its own name. Holy Sex taps into the creative spark of the Divine Love that longs to create more creatures to love and allows men and women to glimpse the joy God himself experiences when his love bursts into life.” However, with the advent of contraception “sex has come to be seen as a primarily recreational exercise.” Popcack makes fun that we’ve forgotten “sex causes babies”. Popcack claims that modern attitudes about procreation a population implosion, and an increase of relationships where selfishness rules. He advocates an openness to life, which doesn’t mean maximizing procreation, but does mean being open to the possibility of a new child each time you have sex. The church does not see every sperm as sacred, however every lovemaking session must result in the man ejaculating into the woman’s vagina, and this is referred to as the “one rule”. Also an openness to life can increase passion, commitment, responsiveness to children, and give a truly spiritual sexuality.

Natural Family Planning uses a variety of methods to detect when a woman is fertile and when she is not, and then requires the couple to abstain during fertile periods if they don’t want a child, or conversely to have sex during those period when they do want a child. Catholics are against other forms of birth control. This quote from Gandhi appears twice, “It is an insult to the fair sex to put up her case in support of birth control by artificial methods. As it is, man has sufficiently degraded her for his lust and artificial methods…will still further degrade her. I urge advocates of artificial methods to consider the consequences…Birth control to me is a dismal abyss.”

Sin is defined as that which “1. It represents settling for less than God wants to give us. 2. It violates the natural order God created in the world which can lead to the breakdown of the human person and his or her physical, psychological, moral, and spiritual well-being 3. It treats people as things” Contraceptives are seen as sinful because 1. It means accepting the woman except for her fertility, and not being entirely accountable to her 2. It “rips apart the natural order God created, jeopardizing a woman’s health…and treats babies as hostile invaders” Popcak also cites a study where female hormones got into the water supply harming fish. 3. “because it treats people who are making love as mere instruments of giving and receiving pleasure” Also Genesis 38: 1 through 10 is traditionally interpreted as condemning contraception and masturbation.

The book also contains a large section about improving one’s sex lives, and even mentions different sexual positions. In addition to the “one rule” (a man must cum inside the woman) Popcak has four pleasure principles:

1. There should be continuity between your daily relationship and your sexual relationship

2. While you should never be afraid to explore all the permitted pleasures, you should never be tempted to see each other merely as givers and receivers of pleasure. You must always respect the dignity of each other as persons.

3. Any sexual positions, items, articles of clothing, manners of speech or playful actions used to help you achieve the fullness of sexual pleasure should be used in a manner that helps you and your beloved draw closer to each other, not to the thing. Things should never become the primary point of the sexual relationship. Rather they should be seen as the means you employ to experience the fullness of each other’s love.

4. While a lover’s comfort zones should not be the final arbiter in sexual disputes, feelings related to comfort zones must be respected. A lover’s discomfort is reason enough to delay participating in some sensual activity, even if it is not enough to rule out entirely future participation in that activity. The couple should continue to evaluate all permitted pleasures in the light of the relationship and in a spirit of prayer.

Popcak describes a social intercourse where both members continually express their love for each other through out the day, even if that means something as little as grabbing milk at the supermarket. Sex is meant to be an expression of love; however any good catholic couple will have other ways to express their love. Because the couple loves each other in a selfless way, they should always be willing to try what the other person wants, even going outside of comfort zones, though they should still be respectful of comfort zones.

Catholics are more sensual than many other denominations, which is why their churches are beautifully decorated, filled with music and incense, thus sex should pay attention to all of the senses. Couples should also seek to match their arousal curves, and seek simultaneous orgasm, Popcak puts the onus on the man to delay himself and stimulate his wife.

While many couples may lose their sexuality after children, those with Holy Sex do not, as children bring them closer. Popcak again puts the onus on men to take part in childcare to relieve his wife and make it into a shared activity. The idea that women do ALL the childcare is a bad thing to Popcak. Couples that become sexually frustrated by NFP (which requires abstinence during the fertile months, which the woman is most easily aroused) are told that NFP is not primarily a means of spacing children, but equally important is 1. communication 2. prayerfully determining family size 3. achieving holiness, freedom, and true love through self-control (AKA chastity, freedom from sexual urges).

Many physical problems are mentioned, and seeing a doctor is frequently recommended. However, psychological problems are often the cause of lack of desire, erectile dysfunction, painful intercourse, or anorgasmia. For women this may be caused by guilt from a repressive sexual preparation or past promiscuity or undisclosed marital problems women are encouraged to never fake orgasm, to use vibrators with discretion, and remember that you have the same right to sexual pleasure as your husband. Popcak also gives out more specific instructions for pre-mature ejaculation in men, and notes that group therapy is surprisingly effective for erectile dysfunction.

Just as contraceptives go against the natural order, so does in vitro fertilization. God ultimately decides whether or not to give a couple a child. A couple claiming the right to have a child is like someone claiming the right over another person. In vitro fertilization utterly ignores the body and is thus sinful. However there are other options, many developed by Catholics which involve diagnosing the specific problem and curing it, along with intrauterine IVF, available through the Pope Paul IV Institute at the University of Omaha. Couple are also encouraged to adopt, and to take care of each other the deal with the stress of infertility.

Popcak blames infidelity on spouses who continually avoid confrontation and fail to express their needs. Unresolved issues create resentment which drives the spouse towards others. Properly healing after infidelity means not only ending the affair and dealing with marital issues, but also achieving a better state of marriage and not just going back to the way it was before.

Masturbation is of course listed alongside other sexual problems, such as infidelity, anorgasmia, infertility, and erectile dysfunction. Popcak likens a masturbator to Gollum from “The Lord of the Rings” who keeps The One Ring/ his or her sexuality to themselves, and never shares. Physiologically speaking, the release of oxytocin during orgasm causes to masturbator not to bond to a person, as it should, but to the act itself. This makes masturbation addictive. Also pornography is degrading and objectifying to women and addictive. Popcak offers several treatments of pornography addiction.

Popcak also offers help finding counselors such as himself, emphasizing the need for getting a counselor that understands the couple’s religious beliefs, and recommends the Pastoral Solutions Institute many times through the book. Also throughout the book Popcak reminds us that when a couple makes love/engages in sexual intercourse they are re-instating their marriage vows in a private ceremony.

Personally, I agree with many of the larger ideas about having a sex life focused on self less love, rather than simply satisfying arousal. Popcak guides people to improve themselves and their relationship with their spouse. This sort of relationship would be good for any couple, though this book might not be particularly useful for secular couples. Popcak is surprisingly feminist. He emphasizes the danger of sexual objectification; he does not claim different responsibilities for husband and wife. While gender roles should be emphasized, they should not limit ones ability to express love (for example a man should help with child care).

However there are some things I personally can’t help but disagree with more specific beliefs. The idea that one is rejecting your significant other or objectifying them by using contraception is over-emphasizing the importance of a person’s fertility, and ignores the possibility that a woman might want to enjoy sex, but not want motherhood. When I read Genesis 38:10 the bible I read had a foot note. Onan is ordered by his father to impregnate Tamar, the wife of his deceased older brother. He has sex with her, but he pulls out and spills his seed, and is immediately killed by God. However the footnote explains that in ancient Jewish society, any son Onan fathered would legally belong to his older brother, and that son would get his inheritance instead. Thus Onan was motivated by greed when he ignored his father’s orders and society’s customs and spilled his semen. But of course Popcak sticks with the traditional and more obvious interpretation, “Never spill your seed!” Popcak makes no real distinction between healthy masturbation and full blown sex addiction, and fails to acknowledge that many simultaneous masturbate regularly, while also sharing their sexuality.

Genesis 38: 7 to 10 “Er was very evil and the lord took his life. So Judah told Onan “It’s your duty to marry Tamar and have a child for your brother.” Onan knew the child would not be his, and when he had sex with Tamar, he made sure she would not get pregnant. The Lord wasn’t pleased with Onan and took his life too.”

Footnote: “38:9 the child…not be his When Judah died, Onan would get his brother’s share of the inheritance, but if is dead brother had a son, the inheritance would go to him instead.”

Crossposted: http://www.scarleteen.com/cgi-bin/forum/ultimatebb.cgi?/ubb/get_topic/f/8/t/001316.html