Getting Called a Bitch (Every Day)

This is my first post, ever. I’ve been meaning to get involved in this site for a long time, and I want to share my thoughts about the use of the dreaded B-word by the people I love.

I was dating a man for about two years, and we broke up. We broke up because the relationship wasn’t making me happy. And then his best friend called me a "man-hating.

I hate the word "bitch". More than any other word in the English language. It’s in a little abusive pea-pod with "whore" and "slut". I ask all my friends, family, and co-workers not to use it around me. Or ever.

This particular ex-boyfriend used that word a lot. A lot. But stopped using it in front of me when I told him how I felt about it. Before that, everyone was a bitch. The woman working the register at a fast food restaurant was a "stupid bitch". Any female driver was "bitch don’t know how to drive". "Bitches be actin’ up".

I sought advice on the subject from a feminist friend, whose advice I deeply respect and appreciate. Usually. He said that I should have understanding for my boyfriends culture. Being Puerto Rican, and from the South Bronx, this kind of language was what he was used to. And, I should have patience because he does try to respect the way I feel about those words, and corrects himself when he "slips".

In other words, he don’t really mean that women are all bitches.

I wish I had thought better about this. And not agreed that I should accept someones sexism as "part of his culture". Looking back, it seems really idiotic. And racist.

So, as the relationship went on, Mr. Ex-Boyfriend used the B-word less and less. Almost never. Unless he needed a weapon…

Once or twice, when he was really angry at me, he called ME a bitch. And when he did, I told him it was abusive. Abusive diminishing language. And, it’s abusive to choose the word that will hurt the most for me.

About a year and a half into this relationship, we had a fight. I had a friend at the house, and that friend was waiting for my boyfriend to drive him home. We suspended the argument, and they left. During the ride home, ex-boyfriend ranted and raved about me, referring to me only as, "the stupid little bitch".

My friend didn’t tell me about this until after I left this guy. He said he thought it "wasn’t his place" to tell me. Personally, I think verbal abuse is abuse, and your friends need to know. He thinks thats just how guys talk. I dunno.

I do know that I absolutely hate that every thing I do that is contrary to what a man wants from me = me getting called a bitch. And I’m not sure how to deal with it.

When it comes to friends, co-workers, whatever, they usually hear me out. Or at least just respect what I asked them not to say. For some reason with men I’m dating it’s different. They get defensive. And angry. And unreasonable.

And I’m not sure if I should be trying to correct that abuse in the beginning, or just avoid men who don’t see it my way in the first place. I do know that if I refused to date a guy who didn’t agree with me about the b-word… I’d be single for a long time.

And I’m having a hard time getting over the part I mentioned in the beginning. Being called a man-hating bitch by someone who barely knows me. And I feel like there’s nothing I can do about it.

I know I can’t change what’s being said on TV or by the general population of the five boros. I know I don’t have to tolerate it from the people I work with. But, what about the people I love?

Should I be cutting people out of my life because this language is abusive? Or, am I being unreasonable about other people’s forms of expression?

And lastly, does it matter whether or not I’m being unreasonable, if the word does damage and makes me unhappy?