Mothers parent, men “babysit”!

I have frequently heard fathers refer to time spent alone with their children as “babysitting”. I realize this may sound like I’m being picky about semantics, but when was the last time you heard a mother talk about babysitting her children?
As a society, we believe women should be caring for their children, whether they work outside the home or not. Women who are mothers have children who require their care. Great. This assumption has positive aspects: We value the maternal-child bond, perhaps; we believe women are excellent caregivers; we think young children in particular are devoted to their mothers and their mothers to them. [These assumptions are highly debatable; I’m just trying to offer a positive spin].
I’d like to focus on the negative implications of this: Why is a father any less valuable to his children? Why is his time seen as his own and his children as an inconvenience upon it? This appears to be the assumption inherent in the claim that he babysits his children. It is a chore. Even more than that, it is unpaid, rather unlike the babysitters I employ to care for my girls. So, not only is he going out of his way to offer a service (and allowing his partner the luxury of time spent away from the children), he is doing it without asking for anything in return.


It is also highly problematic that women are identified first as mothers, while fathers seem to have the luxury of being acknowledged as independent individuals, until their time is invaded by their children. On the contrary, it is assumed that a woman will parent first and then take a break if possible. A woman’s identity is somehow subsumed by motherhood in a way that a man’s is not when he becomes a father.
We all want fathers to be involved. We applaud them for big things like taking (and fighting for) parental leave, as well as smaller things like changing diapers and purchasing carseats. So why is it that a father who spends time alone with his children views it (or is viewed) as an act of martyrdom?
“Sorry, I can’t go to the game, I’m babysitting.”
“I can’t finish up this project until later. I’m babysitting until my wife gets back.”
No matter how much we value equality and how hard we try to make our partnerships, decisions and parental responsibilities equal, a man who babysits is not equal to a woman who parents. Not at all.
[cross posted on my blog:  http://youngfeministmother.blogspot.com]

Disclaimer: This post was written by a Feministing Community user and does not necessarily reflect the views of any Feministing columnist, editor, or executive director.

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