I thought you were a girl, ma’am

I was inspired by Miriam’s great Personal Is Political post, Is that a boy or a girl?, to share some of my experiences of getting to watch others deal with gender through my body. I’ve talked before about my experience of street harassment as a trans person. This happens so often I barely notice anymore – friends I’m walking with will point out something I totally tuned out. But some street gender moments stand out as giving me a revealing glimpse of other people’s gender process. In this post I want to talk about two recent experiences that have stuck in my mind.
I’m a clinic escort at the local Planned Parenthood. Sharing a sidewalk with antis who pray at and harass anyone trying to enter or leave the clinic is easily the most surreal experience of my life. My second week escorting was particularly odd for me personally. Dick, our main anti, had tried without success to engage me and another new escort in conversation the week before (a standard tactic to try to find escort’s weak points so antis can get us riled up). I was a bit more femme presenting my second time escorting, and I guess Dick didn’t recognize me. I was a little bit late and other escorts were already out on the sidewalk wearing big orange A shirts that say “Pro-Choice Clinic Escort.” as I walked toward the path to the clinic I could see Dick eyeing me, confused (usually he jumps at the chance to preach at someone as soon as he sees them walking toward the clinic). I could see the internal debate raging as I turned the corner and started heading for the door. Finally, a few steps down the path, Dick jumps into action, running after me and shouting about how I don’t have to let them take my baby, how I have other options. I responded with a simple, “I’m an escort Dick,” and went inside.
It’s a few weeks later and I’m still reeling from what I got to witness there. I got to watch a Catholic fundamentalist ant-choicer (and the most overtly racist person I have ever encountered in real life, but that’s another post) have a gender moment! Dick’s decision to pursue me as a potential womb-haver was particularly interesting. Male is usually the default assumption when we are confused about someone’s gender. Dick’s reaction shows a shift of assumptions in a situation where he is targeting women and trying to antagonize as many as possible. Better to be wrong and assume I’m with child than be wrong and assume I’m not.
Story number two:
I was walking toward the Metro (D.C. public transportation) escalators on my way to work, past a guy standing there eating a bag of chips. As I passed him the guy said, “Hey, how you doing.” Apparently too tired to recognize an obvious cat call I responded, “Good, how are you?” I guess my morning voice threw him off. “Wait, I thought you were a girl, ma’am.” I thought for a second that maybe he’d said “man,” but no, definitely “ma’am.” As I headed down the escalator he shouted after me: “What are you ma’am? Hey, I’m talking to you ma’am!”
I suppose I could take the guy’s words literally. Maybe he was confused and couldn’t tell if I was a girl or too much woman for him to handle (<3 Britney). Somehow, though, I don’t think that’s what was going on.
I was momentarily scared he would follow me. Straight cis men’s sexuality is a major source of their self-perceived power. Heterosexuality puts them at the top of the gender hierarchy not just in terms of who they are but also who and how they fuck. Being betrayed by their own desire can throw them off, and those with power know they need to maintain it however possible. In this case I was lucky enough to just be shouted at, to have the blame put on me verbally. Allen Ray Andrade admitted to this same line of thinking and even tried to use it as a defense for the murder of Angie Zapata (trigger warning). For me this one incident can be a funny story. Angie wasn’t so lucky.