Ask Professor Foxy: How Does A Feminist Mom Teach About Sex?

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Dear Professor Foxy,
I have a 7-year-old son I’m trying to raise as a feminist and all-around decent person. I have not talked to him about sex before, and I feel a little bad about it, like maybe I should have done it earlier, although he has just now started to ask what it means (he has heard it mentioned on TV and seen it in book titles in the bookstore, etc.). He is aware that “sex” can mean gender but has also picked up that it there is another meaning, too. I want to explain to him in an age-appropriate way what it is, and I don’t want to frame it as just a reproductive act or just a heterosexual act. My mom explained it to me like many of our parents did: this is where babies come from, this is what married couples do to get a baby, etc. How do I have this talk with him in a more honest, balanced (and feminist) way? I have now postponed his questions a couple of times while trying to think of the right answer, and I realized I need help!
Thanks!
Hello Feminist Mom –
I think that the first place to start is with your own attitudes and values about sex. Clearly, you have spent some time working out how you want to raise your son and I commend you for this. Do you want him to put sex and caring together? Do you want him to put sex and a serious relationship together? Sex and love?
Your son is seven and it is important to balance your own desire to be open and honest with what is age appropriate for him. It is also important to keep in mind that the best sex education from a parent or guardian is not “the talk,” but many, many talks and a shown willingness to answer questions without judgment and to provide resources beyond yourself. I am also heavily invested in what is referred to as “teachable moments.” For example, when your son comes home and tells you that his friend has two daddies or when his teacher is pregnant. These are chances to naturally discuss sex and sexuality with your own son. More importantly, it is a chance to impart your values to him.
I worry that in progressive sexual circles, we too often remove values from our conversations, but we have to remember that values are important and can include things like respect and acceptance. The far right and conservatives have claimed the word values for far too long.
So what values do you want to impart to your son? You can describe it as something that two people do when they are older and when they care about each other. He may very well be satisfied with this answer for the beginning. If he presses further, you can give more details: sex is when two people (you can say adult if you want) who care about each other are naked together and touch each other.
What is important here is to separate sex from procreation. When he comes to you and asks how a baby is made or you have one of these teachable moments of your own or another’s pregnancy, you can then say it takes a part from a man (semen) and a part from a woman (egg). When a man and a woman have sex, they can make a baby. Then go on to explain that while it does take a part from a man and a part from a woman, families look all sorts of ways and many families do not involve a mommy and a daddy.
One of my favorite, favorite authors on this topic is Robie Harris. Her books, It’s Not the Stork!, It’s Perfectly Normal, and It’s So Amazing, talk about sex and sexuality in kind, age-appropriate, and progressive ways. You can tell they are amazing since they constantly top the list of most banned books. I would buy them for yourself and your son.
What is most important in all of this is that he knows he can ask his mom anything, so as he ages and begins to think about becoming sexually active himself, he knows he can turn to you for help and advice and information about safe sex. You are off to a great start.
Best,
Professor Foxy
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