Dear Friends, DV 101

I have just completed a 40 hour training course to become a Domestic Violence Counselor. And part of our ‘homework’ in this course was to share what we learn with our friends. So, my friends, here is a short summary of what I have learned:

28% of homes experience domestic violence. This number is probably lower than it actually is.

1 in 4 women will be or are in an abusive relationship.

45% of women and 75% of men who grow up in an abusive household will pass on the abuse in their adult relationships by either being abusive (battering) or having an abusive partner.

95% of batterers are men. The number of women batterers is on the rise.

A victim usually leaves the batterer 5-7 times before ze leaves the batterer for good. (so be patient with your friends!)

75% of women who are killed by intimate partners are killed in the first 24 hours after leaving them. It is the most dangerous time for victims.

The leading cause of death in pregnant or recently pregnant women is homicide. Battering usually increases and worsens during this period.

Substance abuse is involved in 61% of domestic violence cases, but is NOT the cause of a batterer’s behavior (though it may make it worse.)

Domestically Violent relationships happen about equally across all races, all economic classes (though perhaps less physical abuse in circles of higher Edu.) all religious communities, and in straight and queer communities. This touches everyone .

Many people who are in abusive relationships do not recognize them as such. The abuse may take physical form in hitting, bumping, strangling, stalking, punching, neglect (with respect to food, medicine, and more) etc. It may be sexual abuse such as rape, groping and unwelcomed touches. It may be intellectual in the form of restricting what the victim reads, or what information is available to ze. It may be spiritual in the form of forcing or prohibiting the victim to/from attending certain religious services. It may be psychological or emotional, using ‘crazy-making tactics’. It may be verbal in the form of obscenities, hurtful comments, and the like. It may be financial in the sense that the batterer controls all the finances and/assets.

And the list goes on.

The law only recognizes physical abuse as domestic violence.

Here are some reasons why it can be hard to leave:

the victim loves the batterer
the victim has kids with the batterer
the victim wants to avoid the stigma of divorce (which may be more severe in different cultures)
they are financially unable to leave (the batterer has seized all her assets, or is her source of income)
they feel isolated and without resources or options
their family and community does not support them in leaving

Domestic Violence is about control. It follows what is known as “The Cycle of Violence.” First, there is the honeymoon period where everything is great. Next, tension builds (victims and survivors often describe it as a period of ‘walking on eggshells’.) Finally, it is broken with a period of violence. After, it returns to the honeymoon period. Basically, he beats you up, then buys you flowers. There is an interim period of building tension, and then he does it again.

As the batterer’s career continues, the cycles become more and more frequent . This is why some abusive relationships may begin with cycles that last a year or more to complete, but then progress to a month, a week, a day… It is also why on batterer may beat one partner once a year, but beat his next partner once a month. This cycle is the BATTERER’S cycle, not the victim’s.

Batterer’s treatment has a 4% success rate. Get out and don’t look back.

If you or someone you know is being battered (which may be any sort of abusive relationship, not just physically), please call or refer them to this DV hotline: 909-988-5559