Ask Professor Foxy: Does My Size and Not Flirting Keep Me Alone?

This weekly Saturday column “Ask Professor Foxy” will regularly contain sexually explicit material. This material is likely not safe for work viewing. The title of the column will include the major topic of the post, so please read the topic when deciding whether or not to read the entire column.
Hi Professor Foxy,
I’m 22 years old and I’ve never been in a relationship (or even a hook up for that matter) and I am really starting to feel lonely. There are many reasons for why I think this is but for the most part I think its because I am overweight and most of the guys I like are not. Being a feminist, I try to tell myself that that shouldn’t matter and I should find a guy who likes me for me, but on the other hand I feel extremely hypocritical because I know I would never find an overweight guy attractive (I actually tend to prefer skinny guys).
The other problem is I just don’t really know how to flirt. I feel like there is some sort of code way of talking to guys when you like them and I just never learned this. I have anxiety issues and when I realize I like someone, I get nervous around them and avoid them, assuming they will magically come to me. So, basically my two main questions are: 1) is it unfeminist to want to lose weight for the main purpose of attracting guys? and 2)How can I show a guy I am interested without over or under-doing it?
Thanks in advance,

Hi Lonely –
Although I vowed not to bare the intimate details of my life in this column, I cannot help but respond personally as one not-thin woman to another. I have never been thin and get what it’s like to walk through a world that tells you that you are inherently unattractive for the size you wear.
I don’t doubt that some men will reject you due to your size, but others will not. Still others find women of size the hottest thing since butter on bread.
But I’ve found that bigger is better only when you sell it that way. Simply put, you have to think yourself Hot Stuff.
What about you do you find attractive? Yes–society, media, etc. says women over a certain size are unattractive, but I call bullshit. For many of us–size irrelevant given the malarkey all women are taught– it is believing that we are hot that is difficult.
So how do you find yourself hot? What body parts do you like on yourself? Close your eyes and run your hands over your body . . . isn’t there something lovely about how soft you are? What do you wear that feels sexy- playing dress up can help us see the erotic parts of ourselves.
There are thin men out there who date bigger women. The trick is finding them. How are you looking to meet men? Have you tried personal ads? In ads you can put it out there that you are bigger and what you want in a man. It helps lower the rejection factor.
For me, a basic tenet of feminism is not to beat yourself up over your likes/dislikes. Yes, there is some hypocrisy in being attracted to a man of a certain size, but your attraction is there and we can acknowledge our own hypocrisy and then move on.
Losing weight is something that has to be done for you. I would urge you not to focus on your size or weight, but instead on your health. How far can you run? How heavy a bag can you carry? Those numbers are often a better reflection of our health than the numbers on a scale.
As for flirting, there is not some magical code, and frankly, lots of people don’t “flirt” at all. Men are just people. Talk to them, have a conversation, laugh. Somewhere in there, you will likely find that you are flirting. Nothing magically leads to another, but a good conversation can lead to a good relationship and/or good sex. Put yourself out there; try to be clear about what (and who!) you are interested in.
The risk of rejection is part of dating, regardless of size. The trick is to realize that being rejected is part of life. Only by putting yourself out there in all your fabulous size are you going to meet someone. I’m not saying it is easy, but only by putting ourselves out there do we get what we want.
If you have a question for Professor Foxy, send it to ProfessorFoxyATfeministingDOTcom.

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