Ask Professor Foxy: How Do I Deal With My Partner’s Low Sex Drive?

This weekly Saturday column “Ask Professor Foxy” will regularly contain sexually explicit material. This material is likely not safe for work viewing. The title of the column will include the major topic of the post, so please read the topic when deciding whether or not to read the entire column.

Hi Professor Foxy,
My partner of four years doesn’t have as high of a sex drive as me. I would enjoy having sex every day, but he has never cared to do it more than once every few weeks, even in the best of times. Since our first child was born a year and a half ago, we’ve been having sex only once every couple of months and, frankly, I’m just not okay with that.
Our current problem isn’t a matter of not having the time or energy, and he says that he’s found me sexier than ever since I became a mother. He just doesn’t seem to have the drive that I have. I don’t think it would be healthy to demand or insist that he have sex with me. He’s my partner, not my sex slave, and I would only want to make love with someone who was willing and eager to participate, not someone who was just carrying out a chore.
Still, enough is enough. We’ve talked about it many times, and our problem seems to ultimately just be a biological incompatibility: I’m horny and he’s not. Other than our sexual problems, our relationship is excellent, and I don’t want to throw it away because of a sexual difficulty alone (especially since we are co-parents, not just partners, at this point in our lives).
In an equitable relationship, will it even be possible for us to reach a point of sexual compatibility, or does my vibrator just need to keep filling the void?
Thanks for your Help,
Out of Batteries Again
Hello-
I need advice! I am in a committed lesbian relationship with my girlfriend. We went from having sex for a couple of hours a day in the beginning of our relationship to now a few months later I am lucky if her and I have sex once a week. I am a very sensual person and this dramatic drop-off in our sex life is really difficult for me. I have tried to talk to her about it numerous times but she doesn’t want to hear about it anymore. She simply says that she hasn’t been feeling very sexual and she will not have sex if she doesn’t feel like it.
Is this a sign of a bigger problem or should I just accept that this is the natural flow of things?
-Lesbian Bed Death
Hi Batteries and Lesbian Bed Death-
I am running both of your questions to prove my first point: yours is one of the most common, and frustrating, problems of all couples. To find a great partner with a matching sex drive feels like the holy grail of relationships.
For many people, relationships start off intensely sexual. You are both new and exploring; the relationship and the sex are central. As we stay in relationships, life tends to intrude, the relationship is no longer central, and sex drops off as we become tired, busy, etc.
It is also important to realize that sex in a relationship is often not just sex. It is an important way of connecting with our partners. It communicates things that words cannot. It validates that we are still attractive, that our partners want us. It may also be the only time in our busy lives that it is just the two of us.
Incompatible sex drives are especially difficult for feminists: where is the line between pressuring partners and compromising ourselves? Differing sex drives is like many things in a relationship, a good resolution is based in compromise.
While we should not force our partners to have sex (ever), we should expect them to compromise. If your ideal amount of sex is 10 times a week and theirs is twice a month: can you agree on a number in between? Does it have to be full on sex, can it be making out? Them making you cum without reciprocation? Friends of mine, married for over thirty years, have very differing sex drives. She – rarely, he – every day. The compromise: twice a week and he gets to choose: Saturday or Sunday and then Wednesday or Thursday.
You can expect your partner to compromise, but you can’t expect them to be able to up their sex drive. They may not desire sex as much as you, so you have to deal with the feeling of “why aren’t they as into this as I am?”
Try and compromise on acts, level of nakedness, frequency. For some people, the only way to resolve this is for the person with the higher sex drive to have sex with other people. Could that work for you if it is limited to sex? How will it impact your relationship?
At the heart of all good relationships is compromise. Sex is one of the more difficult places to do it, but it is the only way to even begin to resolve your issues. Differing sex drives may not be a reason to end a relationship, but an unwillingness to compromise often is. List out what you want, have them list out what they want, and then try to find the place in between.
If you have a question for Professor Foxy, send it to ProfessorFoxyATfeministingDOTcom.