Ask Professor Foxy: How much porn is too much porn?

Hey all – Sorry for the late post. Had some technological glitches.
Thanks!
Hi Prof. Foxy,
I have been married for 4 months and up until about 2 and half months ago, our sex life had been ok, but not as frequent as I’d like. We have very different work schedules so I attributed the infrequency to that. Two months ago I discovered that my husband views porn online a few times a week. This upset me greatly because I was in a relationship with someone previously who was fairly addicted to porn and who had very little interest in sex with me as a result. I ended that relationship hoping not to encounter the same problem again. When we were engaged my husband had mentioned liking porn but I had no idea what the details were. We should have had a big discussion about it then, but didn’t. So now I make this recent discovery and am devastated because I immediately think he’s also addicted like my ex and prefers porn to real sex because that’s how it appeared initially. I don’t think that’s true because after speaking with him about it at the time and on subsequent occasions, we’ve been much more open about our sex life and it’s really improved considerably.
My problem is that I’m very, very uncomfortable with his porn use. My other ex-boyfriends were not regular porn users, so my only previous experience with it was with the ex with the porn problem. When I first confronted my husband, he couldn’t understand why I was so upset by it. He doesn’t think it’s a big deal, and he says he does it because he enjoys it and it has nothing to do with me. He doesn’t really use it to masturbate and I believe him on that, but he likes to get turned on by it. I would actually much prefer if he were masturbating, just not to porn. I have strong ideological issues with most pornography and it’s depiction of women. I know his use of porn predates our relationship, but I’m really afraid it’s going to progress into a problem.
My husband hasn’t had a lot of experience in long term relationships, which is why he developed the porn habit in the first place, but now that he’s married I feel like porn is bachelor behavior. We do have a good sex life now, and that’s so important to me, but he’s still viewing porn when I’m not around. I saw more sites on his computer today and asked him about them. We are better able to communicate about the issue and I don’t want to say it’s me or the porn, because I’m not his mother but I cannot stop worrying and obsessing, basically, about it. I cannot help taking it personally and feeling angry and worried that every time I’m not around he’s looking at porn. It’s affecting my self esteem because when we do have sex, I think it’s not me he really wants or is turned on by, it’s the images he sees on the computer. I think I’m probably overreacting, maybe because we are married such a short time, but I’m really having a lot of difficulty handling this, so I hope you can help. He doesn’t want to stop, but I really hate that he does it and I truly don’t understand why he needs it so much.
Thanks so much for any advice you can offer!
Sincerely,
Paranoid Wife

Hi Paranoid –
Let’s put aside the porn issue for a second. Past relationships can be great things. Ideally, they should teach us about ourselves: what we like/dislike in a partner, what we like/dislike about ourselves in relationships and what we need or should avoid in our next partner. Unfortunately, past relationships often leave scars that we continue to feel in our new relationships. We need to address those scars with our next lovers. I think you realize you should have addressed your now husband’s porn usage earlier. Another one of the hardest, and most necessary, things to do is to heal from the old relationships before moving on to a new one. Your comments about your ex’s porn problem reflect that you have not healed from that. It will be hard for you to see your new boyfriend’s porn usage in any light except the negative glare cast by your ex’s problem.
There are a couple of assumptions in your letter that I would like to focus on.
1. Not being in a long-term relationship is the reason he developed a porn habit: one does not correlate into the other. Viewing porn, and the masturbation that often accompanies it, are not a reflection on a person’s current or past relationship status. Some people who have never had a long-term relationship do not watch porn and others who are serial relationshipists watch porn constantly. Porn is not bachelor behavior; it is a person’s behavior regardless of relationship status.
2. The same is true for being addicted to porn equaling not wanting to have sex with one’s partner: many people watch a lot of porn and still want to have sex with another person. I am not saying this was not a problem in your relationship. You clearly felt isolated and undervalued and his porn watching exacerbated that, but his lack of sexual interest was likely more than just his porn watching.
I am really happy that you and he have discussed and subsequently improved your sex life. It shows that you are able to talk about difficult issues and work towards improvement – important in any relationship.
You are clear about your issues with porn 1. Ideological issues with how women are portrayed in porn, 2. It will become an obsession, and 3. How it affects your self-esteem. It is very hard to change a person’s behavior around porn and I think your best chance is to find a compromise.
Let’s address them one-by-one.
1. Ideological issues – this may be the hardest to get past. The majority of mainstream porn portrays women in hideous, demeaning ways. Would it be better if you watched porn that was put out by women or shows women in strong roles? What about the work of Nina Hartley or Belladonna? What about porn by partners Shar Rednour and Jackie Strano?
2. Obsession – Some people are alcoholics, some people have a drink once in awhile. It sounds like your ex had an addiction and your husband has an occasional experience. Should the two of you have a conversation in which you agree upon what occasional watching means? Twice a week? Once a week? Once a month? Once it is agreed, you have to trust. I doubt you will ever understand, but I am not sure you need to understand. You just need to make this situation as positive as possible.
3. Your self-esteem – this one comes down to you. Your husband cannot rebuild it, only you can. He has chosen you, you have chosen him. He sees other beautiful women every day, you see other beautiful women. You still want each other. You are still worth having.
You are in a difficult situation. You two have clearly talked about difficult situations in the past and the two of you need to do that again. You may need to find a place of least discomfort instead of striving for perfect comfort.