Professor Foxy: Anal, Woman on Top and Teaching

As I move into my third week of Professor Foxying, I realize I’ve been doing some pretty heavy, relationship-type stuff. Since lord knows sex is not all about relationships, I’m going to do a couple of pure sex questions. And FYI – I always change the names. Hope you enjoy!
Professor Foxy,
I feel sort of silly asking this. I have heard so often how the woman on top position, in male/female sex is often the best way for the woman to reach orgasm through intercourse. I just can’t seem to get the hang of it. Do I move up and down? Rock? I feel like I can’t relax into it up there because I’m working so hard. It also feels a bit uncomfortable when I sit all the way up or lean back. I’m not sure if I’m doing something wrong, or if it’s just not for me.
Thanks so much!
-Girl usually on bottom

Hello Girl –
There is no one best position. Some women like on top, some like on bottom, and most will never orgasm with penetration alone. For the overwhelming majority of women, it is all about clitoral stimulation. There is also not one best way to move. A third will move this way, a third that, and a third another way all together. What I can say is this, climb on top, close your eyes, touch your clitoris and try moving in different ways. Try not to focus on how you are moving, but really how it feels. Penetration is like fudge on ice cream, it makes ice cream taste better, but rarely works alone.

Dear Professor Foxy,
Though I’ve never been tempted to write for sex advice before, I trust feministing enough to try!
I’m in college, and have a relatively new boyfriend. He’s great, and we’re very open about things with each other, but he doesn’t have very much experience in the bedroom. In fact, I’m not sure he knows where all the lady parts are. He’s willing to learn, but I’m not sure how to go about “teaching” subjects like sex or oral sex. Perhaps you could offer some advice?

Hi Gertrude –
I really like both your teaching instinct and your desire to improve your sex life. Make it a game and phrase it about you. “Baby, I want to learn how to please you more. Can you show me how you like to be touched, stroked, sucked?” Get naked and touch yourself in front of each other. Then try it in with each other. The other part is to use positive encouragement: “I love it when you. . …” “Honey, yes that is it.” Just plain moaning. This makes it easier to then say “a little faster” “A little to the left”

Dear Dr. Foxy,
I am a married, heterosexual woman. I really love receiving anal sex – we’ve done it only a few times, but I loved it each time and fantasize about it all the time. What prevents me from asking for it more often is the fear that frequent anal sex can “stretch out” the anal sphincter, leading to incontinence or other health problems. Is that just a silly (and possibly homophobic) urban legend? Or is that a real risk? And if it is a risk, if there anything that can be done to prevent it? I avoid putting sex toys in my anus too often for the same reason.

Hey Anonymous –
I searched for some good studies on this issue and could not find any. So I did the next best thing, I went to happy hour with a few of my favorite gay boy bottoms (often used for shorthand for the receptive partner when men have sex with other men). And after several martinis, we agreed that this is just a silly, definitely homophobic urban legend.
No really, anal penetration is fine for you or him. There are some steps you should definitely take to keep it safe. Water-based lube is a necessity. Both on the outside of your anus and on the implement or penis. I also suggest your husband use a condom, even if you don’t use condoms for vaginal penetration. Three words: feces in urethra. I would also do post anal sex clean up with a moist towelette (Tucks is a good idea) versus rougher toilet paper. If you are using fingers, either use latex gloves or make sure fingernails are clean and short. A good test is to run the nails across your palm.
During my searching, I also found this great advice from Duke University. It is great for novices and experts alike.
If you start to worry about anal incontinence or general tightness/control, try anal Kegels.

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