On longing for intimacy

Carolyn Hax is the fantastic relationship advice columnist at the Washington Post. She was away this week, but when she’s gone she runs columns with advice or personal testimonies from readers. Today’s writer’s story made me feel so sad for her loss but so lucky at the same time to be alive during this time in history, and not the time she was raised in:

On longing for intimacy
Yes, it is true that we don’t get everything in life, and it is true that we all have to learn to live with and appreciate what we do get, not rely upon others to make the core of us happy, etc. But it really is very, very difficult.
I am now moving into old age. I was married for a very long time to, and eventually divorced from, a man who did not value that part of life, or was not able to. I was raised in a time when premarital intimacy was heavily censured, and I went along as did many women my age. I didn’t get what I needed in my marriage, and it turned out there were few opportunities for an older, middle-aged woman after I divorced.
The longing has never left.
For all the excesses and misuses of sexuality in the modern world, I still think it is better than the severe restrictions on premarital sex and extramarital sex that some of us grew up with.
With a little experience, I might have chosen differently. If we married badly, and stayed married and followed the rules, then our chances for a different life were reduced.
I will mourn this loss forever. It is not assuaged by the successful career I have had, or the good society of friends I have, or the deeply meaningful community work I have done, or the more mature religious faith I finally developed. I may not talk about it, I may not complain about it, I may not even let on to anyone else, but this deep, unsatisfied yearning is with me all the time.
– Mourning