Hatred and sexual desire

“I hate women — but I still want to have sex with them.”
I’ve encountered that attitude many times from men in real life and on the Internet. More so, certainly, on the Internet, where hating women while still wanting to screw them seems to be a badge of honor for many anonymous men.


Or maybe hate is too strong a word. Only the hardcore ones say that, and I’ve only heard that in real life from a handful of guys (sadly, the chorus on the web is much louder).
Most just say they don’t like women as people. In fact, they seem to have a hard time just recognizing women as people. Non-sexual intimacies such as sharing hobbies, talking, even just hanging out is therefore something exclusively reserved for male people, because women’s conversation, hobbies and what have you, they say, are boring. 
For these individuals, then, women are reserved for sex, unless, of course, the woman in question also happens to enjoy housework and cooking. Then she’s good for that too.
This attitude has long puzzled me. I get the idea that you can love and hate something at the same time, though I can’t help thinking it’s pretty damn dysfunctional.
But in these cases, I don’t even see the love here.
Not that you have to love someone to have good sex with them, but it seems to be a lot better when you at least like them, and these men don’t even do that.
So what is sex like for someone who has nothing but dislike for their partner? I can’t imagine it’s particularly good. I mean, sure, the orgasm (and that’s assuming he has one) is a nice temporary release, but then what? What do you do with the guilt? The disappointment at your own weakness? The knowledge that you have betrayed yourself by sleeping with the despised?
Many of them seem to enjoy punishing the object of their loathing, either during or after the sex. In extreme cases, this manifests as serial rape (and a separate pathology, though I would argue men who become serial rapists don’t like women much, and don’t even see them as human). But the pick-up artists and the players out there seem to harbor a similar contempt for the women they “use” for the night.
Then there are the men who stay with a woman for a certain amount of time because they’re getting laid, though they really can’t stand her.
A friend of mine was telling me about a male friend of hers who loathed the woman he was sleeping with, but refused to break up with her because the sex was available.
Now, I’ve known a few women who did what my friend’s friend did, though not always for sex, but to have an escort at weddings and parties. Sometimes being single can seem very scary, and the devil you know is preferable. And that is not an excuse for either gender to do this to a romantic partner.
But the whole “I hate women but I still want to screw them” attitude is far more problematic, because it’s not about one individual disliking another, but about general dislike for half the population, while at the same time hating yourself for needing them.
And as much as I feel the need to protect any woman who gets involved with a man who thinks that way, and how scared I am of a man who thinks that way, I also feel sorry for him. How difficult it must be to be him. How lonely. Because liking, and loving, and connecting with someone, are the good parts about being human.    

Disclaimer: This post was written by a Feministing Community user and does not necessarily reflect the views of any Feministing columnist, editor, or executive director.

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