Voices of the Latina Institute: Talking with Mami about sex

By Grace Kaissal, Summer Intern, National Latina Institute for Reproductive Health
“!Aye Mija! ¡Hablemos de eso otro día! ¡De eso no se hable! Cuando estes casada, okay?� These are the phrases and responses my friends and I have shared and laughed about when recounting the stories of our first family conversations about sex. I remember vividly when I was a scrawny ten year old pre-pubescent girl watching TV with my mother one evening and a “sex� scene came on in the movie we were watching. I remember getting so nervous and to my surprise, looking over to my mom and noticing she was really nervous as well. As she switched the channel she told me, “Hablare contigo acerca de eso cuando cumplas quince anos.� (“I’ll talk to you about this when you turn 15). Sure enough, by the time I turned 15, I was having my first experiences with the world of boys, crushes and dating. My mom never had a problem with that but she always told me, “Cuidate y no habras esas piernas.� (Take care of yourself and don’t open your legs). No talk of sex, love, or relationships not to mention birth control and condoms. My mother and I are very close and I confide in her about everything, but it still kills me to say that I never really had the “birds and the bees� conversation with her until recently, after my first year of college. Many things have happened since the last time I was sitting with her on that couch nervously.
Growing up as a first generation immigrant in the US, and attending a liberal arts college has really changed the way I view this aspect of my life. After watching the Sundance Film documentary Quinceañera with my mother this summer, we finally had the opportunity to talk explicitly about sex. Although we were both very uncomfortable, conversation flowed and I learned a lot about how she perceived sex, birth control, relationships and love. I also realized how different our worlds were, and how different her knowledge about STIs, contraception, and what happens during sex were from mine.

But the most difficult part was leaving the conversation about sex and talking about how we see men and women and what their roles should be in a relationship as well as in society. Some of things she said had remnants of machismo in them. When I gave her my feminist views on the world, she clearly appreciated what I was saying but didn’t really catch my drift. I talked about the authors and feminists I’ve studied, talked about the women’s rights movement, disparities between men and women in the US. But nothing. It all seemed so distant and foreign to her. She confirmed to me then the idea I and many other contemporary Latina and women of color feminists have had all along: Eso son ideas de las mujeres americanas, blancas, y radicales. (These are the thoughts of American women, white women and radicals).
The face of feminism still needs serious change. Although an IMMENSE amount of work has been done to diversify the movement over these past years, with new and innovative women of color scholars, there is still much to be done. Culture plays a large role in embedding these gender roles in our families and communities, so to successfully spread feminist ideals we must be culturally competent and provide voice to unique perspectives. Unfortunately, I know a lot of hermanas who don’t consider themselves feminists despite their clear feminist beliefs. I can only hope that the effort to diversify feminism and share the women of color perspective continues and exists in every discussion, conversation and campaign.